I'm Mike Ditka- Here to Talk to You About Toilet Safety

WHAT THE FUCK?

I hate to go on a rant here, but... When did ESPN interview shows turn into one big fucking commercial? Especially about "products" that already run constantly in the commercials and have nothing to do with sports fans.

I guess since I work at home, I tend to watch TV during time slots aimed at "housewives" but I figure ESPN should be a safer choice than Dr. Phil. Then again a lot of this shit is also on the radio, and these promo spots are probably more normal there, but what the fuck ever..

The first clue something was wrong was when Legendary Don Shula started appearing in weightloss ads with some other NFL football greats like Dan Marino and not-so-greats like Mike Golic ( of Mike and Mike fame). It was bad enough when the bitch from Joe Millionaire ( who had no weight to lose in the first place and now looks weird) and her fugly friends started appearing in all these Nutrisystem commercials 24/7, but do I really need to know that Dan Marino lost 22 pounds and it apparently helped his erectile function?

COMMERCIALS are one thing, but when I watch a Sports Interview show and the guest is a Hall of Fame legend, I expect to hear about sports. I thought I was fucking high ( and I dont use drugs) when I saw Mike Ditka one morning wearing a SCOTT shirt saying "I'm here to talk about toilet safety"..Then he proceeded to say that millions of people take a shit at Half-time during the Super Bowl and SCOTT tissue "degrades" better...umkay. I have seen him appear in the same shirt and do the same shit at least twice since then. This shit is painful to watch.

Then I saw Archie Manning. Kids probably know him as Eli and Peyton's dad. Apparently he works for either ( or both) the PR departments of Mastercard or Sam's Club. He was overjoyed at the great news that SAM'S CLUB NOW TAKES MASTER CARD CREDIT CARDS! Oh boy. I mean that is cool news, but they have always taken Discover, Sam's own branded card, debit cards, Wal-Mart Gift Cards ( go buy one at Wal-mart with your credit card and use it next door), and that Cash stuff. Despite not accepting MasterCard, somehow millions of people have managed to pay for their 80 lb. jars of pickles and 72 packs of Scott toilet tissue without any problem. Apparently Peyton's mom "had to always write a check there." Now she can join last century and pull out one of them shiny plastic credit cards. I can just see her shopping for 10 pound bags of Lays and 5 gallon jars of onion dip for the Manning Family reunion.

Don Shula couldn't win a SuperBowl with Dan Marino, but apparently they go to Weight Watchers together..err, I mean Nutri System. Dan lost 22lbs ( doesn't everyone?) and implores guys to lose weight and improve their sex lives. I'd rather not picture Shula's sex life, but apparently the program helped his wife a lot also. "Welcome coach Shula, you once led the Miami Dolphins to the only perfect season in the history of the NFL, but I can't help but notice you are a little tighter around the middle. How did you lose all that weight? Do you and Michael Irvin get together and snort coke off a hooker's ass?"...