Review: Friday The 13th

Jason, Michael, Freddy. I grew up with these guys. Seen their movies hundreds of times. So going into this, I was a little bit excited I guess. See with Halloween, there is a plot, a story, characters, things going on that wouldn't warrant a remake, but a continuation. With Friday the 13th, there isn't really any story or characters anymore, just cows being lead into a slaughter house of Jason Voorhees. So a remake isn't a bad thing, cause even this movie you could watch and come up with your own conclusion that it's not even a remake, but just another story. So I am fine with that. So let's get goin shall we?

The Story: Who gives a fuckin shit, some girl went missing when Jason killed all her friends boohoo and now her brother is looking for blah blah blah blah whatever.

Characters: There are about 15 people or so in this movie. You want every single one of them to die. They're the cliche drunk stoner annoying airhead idiotic bullfuck characters you would expect. I am fine with that.

See after 11 movies, if you are a seasoned horror movie watcher like me, you KNOW when Jason is coming, you know who is going to die, you know when they're going to die. Which is no big deal because well, it is always fun to see what kinda ways Jason comes up with to off people. Remember the sleeping bag beating against a tree? The frozen face smash? The head punched off? The harpoon gun into the fuckin face?

Yeah, you get nothing like that here. Here is my review on the "kills" that most websites are raving about saying OMG THE KILLS ARE AWESOMESSS!!!

It is Jason Voorhees that is killing off these kids one by one. But, it's almost like hes bored and doesn't wanna be bothered with doing this. MINOR MINOR SPOILER... I mean, we see a wood chipper, we see a random hick using a wood chipper, he has his small scene, then later we randomly go back to him, and hes alone, so we KNOW he's a dead man. And we all remember seeing that wood chipper. So you know that mother fucker is about to get thrown into that thing. Oh shit there's Jason! He's got the hick! Jason has his machete! Jason.... cuts the guys throat? Really? Alright maybe hell kick the guy into the woodchipper! Yeah!! No... hick falls on the ground. Jason just cut a guys throat and that was that.

Then we get guy going alone in the dark to a tool shed. TOOL SHED! OH HELL YES!! OH SHIT THERE'S A CIRCULAR SAW IN THERE! SHOVELS! PICKS! EVERY KIND OF KILLING DEVICE IMAGINABLE!!!! THIS SHALL RULE! THIS GUY IS TOAST!!!! OH MAN THERE'S JASON!!! Wait wtf... a screw driver? A screw driver into the side of the guys neck? And Jason is struggling with a 4 foot tall 100 pound chinese dude? Whatever I guess.

There are no awesome kills except for one which happens with a dock. I'll leave it at that. The rest are bland and boring and we have all seen them before.

As for the naked chicks, every chick except for two are naked in this movie. One has giant fake boobs which suck, one has AWESOME boobs which are real and, AWESOME. "Perfect nipple placement".

In the end, it's a fun movie, Jason is back. Let's just hope the next time we see him, he isn't so hungover or bored and we get some proper Jason kills.

7/10

Friday The 13th Teaser Trailer

Looks alright. It's produced by Michael Bay, and directed by Marcus Nispel. Both behind the Texas Chainsaw remake, which was ok. It wasn't great, but it didn't suck shit, the sequel to that sucked shit.

This isn't a remake though, but it isn't a sequel. I think they said this takes place somewhere in the middle? Yeah stupid but hey whatever. It's Jason, and he's running around with his machete again, so I am happy.

Friday The 13th

Jason Voorhees New Mask!!!!!! OMFG!!!!

Horror movie nerds today are going crazy. Movie sites going mad. Why? Well because the first image of Jasons mask from the new Friday The 13th is online. This is also known as. STUPID.

Why in the fuck is this news? Why is the images that were released labeled as "tease"? We have known what his fucking mask looks like for over 20 years now. Calm down people, there is NOTHING new about this mask at all. NOTHING. It is Jasons mask. Thats it. Why am I posting it? Probably because this will be the only place where we point that fact out. While everyone else is going banana sandwiches over this.

Freddy Vs Jason Vs Ash Comic Book Art!

Once upon a time, after Jason had cut Freddys head off and rose from the lake. A sequel was thrown around. Thrown around and so close to being made that, it was greenlit, a script was done up, and all was set to go. The only thing in the way was egos. Bruce Campbell and Sam Raimi who own the rights to Ash, basically said if Ash was going into the movie, he was gonna come out as the winner of this triple threat match. And the others that be, argued against that. And well, all was lost and thrown in the trash over at New Line Cinema. But! Fear not, for DC has come to us with the comic book version of the movie that was to never be that fanboys everywhere wanted more than anything in the world. Thats right, this comic book is based on the script that was done up. It will seriously be exactly what would have happened in the movie, if the movie was ever made.

The series of books, which will be 6 all together, will be written by James Kuhoric with three interlocking covers by J. Scott Campbell. The first issue is out right now, with the rest soon to follow. For those wondering exactly how these 3 horror icons can even make sense together. Go out, and watch Evil Dead 2, Army Of Darkness, Freddys Dead The Final Nightmare, Jason Goes To Hell, and Freddy Vs Jason. Trust me, they all link together.

Oh, and since I know the above is somewhat old news, how about something new, like SNEAK PEEK BITCHES!!!!!!!!!!

Click below to enlarge!

Michael Bay to remake Friday the 13th!

LOS ANGELES - "Transformers" director Michael Bay is reviving the "Friday the 13th" franchise through his low-budget production company.

The remake of the original 1980 horror classic, which turned the villainous Jason into a cultural icon, is being produced for New Line Cinema by Bay's Platinum Dunes banner. Platinum Dunes was also behind the revival of "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre" and "The Hitcher."

In the original "Friday the 13th," the serial killer made only a brief appearance in the final frames and never killed anyone. Jason didn't even don the famous mask until the third movie. The remake, however, will focus on Jason -- who will wear the mask and kill -- and keep the famous setting of Crystal Lake.

Damian Shannon and Mark Swift will write the script. They wrote 2003's "Freddy vs. Jason," the killer's last big-screen appearance. That film grossed more than $82 million domestically.

Reuters/Hollywood Reporter