Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Happy Thanksgiving from Devon Lohan!


As we near our 1,000th post here at Devon Lohan, there's one thing we're definitely thankful for this year, and that's YOU our readers! Thanks for sticking with us through some of the growing pains and hard times we've had this past year, and thanks for coming back and giving us another shot time, and time again. We wouldn't be doing this, and couldn't do this, if it weren't for all of you.


So I can't speak for the others, but I'm taking the rest of the week off!


Happy Thanksgiving!


Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Twilight: The Official Devon Lohan Review

I'd like to preface this review by mentioning that, yes, I did read the books. However, unlike the majority of the fanbase for this film, I didn't read them starting a couple years ago. Instead, I actually didn't pick them up until I began to read all the fuss about this movie getting made, this past summer. I'm one of those people, that anytime I hear or read about something that a lot of people are keen on, I usually have to check it out and see what all the fuss was about. So before I ever opened the first book of the series, I had already been made privy to a plot outline, and had even a preliminary cast photo. This served well, as it helped me establish an idea of what the characters looked like in my head. I read the entire series picturing the players in my head as they would be portrayed on film. So without further ado, my Twilight review.

Before going to see the film last night, I read several online reviews, just to kind of get an idea in my head of what the movie would be like. I don't like to be disappointed, so I assume this would be a good way to set myself up for whatever result I would get. Imagine my surprise when I found the reviews to be a staunch 50/50 deadlock. Half of the reviews raved about how the movie met their every anticipation, and the other half picked it apart and analyzed every little nuance of every little detail. It was remarkable as well, that these reviews were blatantly split between the tween fangirls of this movie, and adults like myself, who picked up the books and ended up really liking the story. There's a different in there somewhere, between the fangirls, and the rest of us, and I'm still trying to figure that out. What makes them so ravenous about this film? I really enjoyed the books, but as you can see I made it until Monday night to see the movie without exploding. Some of the girls in the theater with me were there for the 3rd and 4th time! It's no wonder this flick made over 70 million at the box office! Suffice to say, I went in to the movie with an open mind, expecting to pick out of some of the same things all the 13 year olds are freaking out about, but also being able to formulate an opinion, as an intelligent movie lover. Here's where I stand.

The books are, in no uncertain terms, written moderately well by Stephanie Mayer (who has a brief cameo if you catch it). She's no Anne Rice, I'll tell you that much, but she does manage to capture a sort of magic in her books, that leaves you wanting more, and rushing out to pick the next one up. I bought the first three together on ebay and read them cover to cover, back to back. I waited a month, and the 4th and final book came out, and I tore through it in ONE sitting. So, you can imagine that the books hold up on their own, but as it goes in Hollywood, the movie adaptation doesn't necessarily replicate that success. So I wanted to come in to the movie with an objective mind, and view it as a film fan, and not a fan of the books. What I think is, Catherine Hardwicke, the director, is a one trick pony. If you've seen Catherine's previous work, 13 and Lords of Dogtown (both I really enjoyed) than you're probably familiar with her style of shooting. Lots of short close up bursts, and even more sweeping scene shots. Very little of the movie is shot in the traditional way, with the camera usually focusing in on smaller parts of the scene, or fluxing back and forth from zoom IN and zoom OUT. If I hadn't know already, I would've quickly assumed this was directed by the same person. I can't say it's all bad though, I was actually impressed with how the movie was a little more rough looking, as in not as polished and shiny as most movies on this subject. The more realistic look that Hardwicke uses was a good surprise and added a sense of realism. Also, big surprise Nikki Reed was casted in this flick. That makes her 3-0 for Catherine Hardwicke films. No favoritism showed there, eh? Not that I'm complaining, I've enjoyed Reed ever since she vamped it up in 13... no pun intended.

The film starts off much like the book, with Isabella Swan (played by Kristen Stewart) moving from Phoenix, Arizona to her new home in the small, cloud covered town of Forks, Washington, where Vampires come out in the daytime, protected by the low cloud ceiling. I was instantly impressed with just how much Forks leaped off the pages of the books to the big screen. It was just as I had imagined it while reading the books, and looked exactly how Stephanie Mayer described it. My only real complaint about the transition from book to movie was the way some things were shown out of order. I'm sure it's no easy task transferring a 500+ page book to a 2 hour movie, but with the way the film is laid out there's no reason the biggest mistakes in the movie had to be made. I'm referring to the character of Jacob Black, who turns up in the first ten minutes of the movie, where as in the book he doesn't appear until Bella and her friends spend a day at the beach... a scene that happens in the film, and in which Jacob appears. Why not just wait until then?

I also saw a lot of complaints about the acting, and maybe it's just me, but I thought the acting was really decent. I saw the movie with my roommate, and she complained that Kristen Stewart acts weird... to which I quickly informed her that Kristen Stewart played Bella to a T. She portrays the character exactly as she is written, even surpassing my expectations. There were parts of the movie that felt like deja vu to me, because they were acted out exactly as I had pictured them in my mind. Most of those scenes involved Kristen Stewart playing Bella. Robert Pattinson (of the Harry Potter films) does an excellent job as Edward. People have chastised his performance as being too intense, but I'm assuming their feeble pubescent minds can't grasp the concept of this guy, the character of Edward Cullen, being a Vampire who is falling in love with a girl who smells sweeter to him than any human he's ever encountered. He has to balance his desire to eat her alive, with his desire to be with her and protect her. In my opinion, Robert Pattinson does a spectacular job conveying the intensity of what Edward feels when Bella is in the room. He's never met anyone like her, and he has to juggle the fact that she is everything he wants, and at the same time everything he can't have. That's no easy feat to get across on screen. The scene in the lab where he smells her scent for the first time was terrific. The look on his face is of utter disgust, at least to Bella, but what he's really feeling is pure terror, because he doesn't know if he can control himself from leaping across the room and ripping her throat out. Leave R-Patz alone, girls, he's a fine actor in my book. I always liked that guy as Cedric Duggary anyway.

One other complaint that was frequent was about the graphics, or CG. See, here's the thing though... this movie isn't ABOUT graphics. It had no need for them, EXCEPT for the one thing it was used for... so to complain that there could have been more and better graphics is useless. I don't know what everyone expected, but what I saw on screen looked exactly like I would have imagined it looked like. In the books, Stephanie Mayer describes the way the skin glows as "shining like diamonds." So, what I imagined was skin that shimmered like diamonds in the sunlight, and what did I get? Skin, shimmering like a million diamonds, refracting light and glowing, in the sunlight. It was PERFECT. I read an interview with Robert Pattinson where he was asked about the CG and he said, "I haven't actually seen that yet. It is CG but I don't know what it's going to look like. That was one of the hardest things to do. We did like a thousand different ideas. We did this thing with flakes of salt and every single thing [they could think of]. I remember they painted one of the PA's blue, which was kind of a confused direction." For me, I can't imagine them doing anything else. The way Edward's skin glows is just like I pictured it. So shut up about that one already. The CG was fine, for what it was.

The supporting cast is surprisingly strong, but unfortunately the majority of the film centers around Bella and Edward. Again, this is an instance where the fangirls are flipping out that they dived right in to Bella and Edward falling in love, and again it's an instance where they are wrong. If this movie was 3 hours long, than yes, they could've slowed down, but it wasn't. The plain outline for this film is the relationship between Bella and Edward, so naturally they are going to consume the most screen time building up that plot. The supporting cast is great when they're on screen though. Bella's high school friends are acted out great, and lived up to what I expected from them. The Cullen family is perfect. That's all I can say. They feel on screen, just as they felt in the book. Warm, loving, caring... but also visceral, strong, powerful. They take to Bella and accept her in to their family, and it's some of these scenes with all of them together that the movie really comes together. The baseball game was awesome, funny, and done really well. I'd actually say this is probably the stand out scene to me, as far as surpassing the book. The scenes with the whole family together make me look forward to more movies, since we know they're a much bigger role later down the line. I would've liked to see Elizabeth Reeser on screen a little more, but I know the role of Esme will come along stronger later on.

The only other realistic complain I have about the movie is Cam Gigandet. I don't understand how this guy continues to find work. He has an imposing, almost scary look to him, which fits him well since he's type casted as a badguy at this point his career... but this guy is a terrible actor. He portrayed James as someone much more hardened and sharp as he should have been. James is a tracker, he hunts for hobby and makes a game out of it, and where we should've seen him actually hunting and putting together his master plan to catch Bella, we instead get a shot of him barreling through some woods, and then suddenly in Phoenix with his whole plan worked out. I guess this is another one of those Book > Film situations where some things had to be cut for time. It just left a bad impression on me.

All in all, the movie really did surpass my expectations. I'm not surprised by some of the stupid reviews I've read, because some people refuse to just enjoy something for what it is. The book isn't canon, and in a film you're going to see some poetic license. Either way, I give Catherine Hardwicke kudos for the way she directed the film. Sure, it looks like just all her other work, but at the same time it's so very different and beautiful. The score is mediocre at best, based mostly off of author Stephanie Mayer's personal playlist while writing the book. It could've been worse though I guess. If you're a fan of the books, try and have an open mind going in to it. Don't look at it like the book is canon and unchangeable. Look at it as a different way of telling your favorite story. Enjoy it for what it is, which is a good, down to earth, enjoyable vampire romance movie. It's a classic tale of forbidden love, set with a contemporary theme, and it's well done. I look forward to the next one, and hopefully two more after that. If the studio is smart, they won't waste any time getting all three in to production before anyone gets any older. If 70 million dollars is any indication of how serious the fans are, they'll listen to my advice.

Go see Twilight, in theaters everywhere right now, and then come back here and sound off in the comments section. Hope you enjoyed my review!

-Devon

Monday, November 24, 2008

Even More Anticipated Than The Dark Knight?!?!

Yes.




Free Dr. Pepper Offer Extended

You can still get the free Dr. Pepper through 6pm today. Maybe drpepper.com figured out how to run a website.

Chinese Democracy Rules- The Genius that is W. Axl Rose

I went to Best Buy like I said I would. I still like buying CDs without listening to the online leaks. Chinese Democracy was well worth the wait. I am going to have a full track by track review later once it sets in.

BTW, Dr. Pepper sucks. I couldn't get through all day. Oh well I guess I will spend the whole damn quarter it costs to just buy a can of Dr. Pepper.

Friday, November 21, 2008

Review: Guns and Roses Chinese Democracy

Fuck that, I was gonna write a review of this cd, but it fucking sucks, and so then I decided to not even write that much, but then Random Villain told me to do it, so here I am! This cd fucking sucks, don't buy it, don't even bother downloading it. 17 years to make this cd, and I expected to hear the greatest rock album ever recorded... and what do I get? Some shit that MIGHT have been enjoyable 17 years ago.

I'd rather listen to Panic at the Disco.

Thursday, November 20, 2008

The Shield IS The Best Show On TELEVISION. Period.

Unlike Devon, my opinion never changes to the flavor of the week. The Shield is by far the best show on TV. Hands down.

The Shield is about Detective Vic Mackey and his strike team working the streets of Los Angeles. When the show first started out, 7 seasons ago, Vic and his partner Shane were pretty corrupt. Skimming off the top of drug dealers. Letting drug dealers do their business as long as they cut Vic and Shane in on the deals. Stealing from crooks, but even doing that, they would still get the job done. They would "let the little fish swim away to catch the big fish" so to say. In Season 1 Episode 1 Vics captain knows that Vic and Shane are up to no good, but doesn't have the evidence to catch them, so he enlists someone to infiltrate his team and get the dirt. Well the end of Episode 1 Vic has put a bullet in the face of that cop that was sent in, because Vic can smell a trap a mile away. There is no outsmarting him. Like Vic says to a suspect who is not giving details in an interogation room.. "Good cop and bad cop left for the day, I'm a different kinda cop." Then Vic picks up a phone book and smashes the suspect in the face with it.

7 seasons later, and Vic and the team are still feeling and dealing with that moment from the first episode, all leading up to next Tuesday, which will be the finale for the series. Over the course of the series, Vic and the team have tried to steer away from being corrupt, because they know there is only so much, and so long they can get away with their deeds. Most shows tend to forget events that happened in previous seasons, or last week for that matter. All the events from that one moment has lead up to people being fired, arrested, and even to strike team members killing each other off. That's what is so great about this show. Unlike shows on NBC, or CBS, when a character dies, there is no preview, no hints, you will be watching the show then BAM, a major character in the series is dead, like that. It's real.

This past Tuesday, one of the most powerful scenes in the shows history went down. Vic has done a lot of wrong in his career, but has done more right. He has landed a chance to gain immunity in exchange for bringing down one of the biggest crime bosses in the city. Only catch is in order to get the immunity, he needs to confess his crimes. That includes, for the first time ever, Vic confessing to killing the cop from season 1, Terry Crowley. The look Vic gives before he begins his confession is priceless. Take a look.





Tomorrow I will not have another best show. Because this is the best show, not just on cable, but on television. If you have not watched this show yet, I highly suggest you get to it.



Is Sons of Anarchy the Best Show on Cable?

I've already asked if it's True Blood, and I've also asked if it's Dexter... but after watching all three shows this week, I've concluded with much assurity that right now, this week, Sons of Anarchy is the best show on cable television. Let me tell you why.

Sons of Anarchy, which airs on FX (the same network that brought us Nip/Tuck and The Sheild: Two devonlohan.com favorites) is about a tight motorcycle club (see: gang) in Northern California. The MC primarily deals in gun-running, but has been known to handle the occasional murder for hire, and/or destruction of property. They're a lot like Tony and his group of guys on The Sopranos, only much surlier and instead of riding around in Cadillacs they're sporting Harleys. The show starts veteran actors Ron Perlman (Hellboy, Beauty & The Beast ) Katey Sagal (Married with Children, LOST), and British newcomer Charlie Hunnam.

The Sons of Anarchy are an outlaw motorcycle club with many charters in the United States. The Charming local is the original founding charter of the Sons of Anarchy, all other charters came after the one founded by John Teller and Piermont "Piney" Winston. The Charming charter is based out of a clubhouse adjacent to the Teller-Morrow auto mechanic shop. Led by Clay Morrow, the club protects and controls Charming through close community relationships, bribery and violent intimidation. The full name of the motorcycle club is Sons of Anarchy Motorcycle Club, Redwood Original; on occasion, the show will abbreviate it as SOA, though more frequently the club is referred to as SAMCRO (a rough acronym of The Sons of Anarchy Motorcycle Club, Redwood Original) or Sam Crow.

That's about as far in to the history of the show as I'll go, because the rest is better off if you discover it yourself. I don't even really want to give anything away, because it would lessen the shock of most of what you'll see. I will say this much, I'm surprised weekly with what FX will let the creators of this show get away with. The violence is often raw and gritty, as is the sex and rampant drug abuse. They use every word in the book, save the dreaded F-Bomb, and there's really no holding back.

Just like the other two shows I mentioned, Sons of Anarchy keeps getting better and better with each passing week.... but why did I decide it's the best show on cable? Here's why: Sons of Anarchy somehow manages to pull off the same things you'd be seeing on pay-cable, on a basic cable channel. Sure, there's a lack of nipple or the word "fuck", but you won't miss them. SOA manages to deliver all the goods you like in the shows that cost you 15 bucks a month, for free. There's only one episode left, and that's next Wednesday's special event Season Finale, so you'll have to put in some overtime this weekend to watch the previous 11 episodes (which are all available onDemand in most markets). FX has already picked up Season 2 (they actually did this after only 4 episodes had aired.)

So, long story short - for the week of November 16th, Sons of Anarchy is the best show on cable.

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Random Kids With Video Camera Are Better Than Brett Ratner

So by now I am sure you have seen the annoying idiotic commercials with athletes playing Guitar Hero, like Tony Hawk and Kobe Bryant and Michael Phelps and that other dude. Yeah those commercials were directed by Brett Ratner.

Anyways, random kids with a video camera made a video for Guitar Hero which would have made a much MUCH better commercial.



Is Dexter the Best Show on Cable?

Last week I asked if True Blood is the best show on cable, but after watching last Sunday's episode of Dexter on my DVR, I'm starting to wonder. The third season is drawing to a close, and Showtime has already order not one, but TWO more seasons of Dexter. What does that tell you right there? This is an awesome fucking show. I've always kind of been on the wall with the character of Dexter, thinking that maybe he falls in to that genre of show leads that you don't like as much as the rest of the cast (e.g. Dawson, Buffy, Michael Bluth, Meredith Grey...), but this season has really been the catalyst that Michael C. Hall needed to bring this character home.

Dexter is very much unlike other television characters right now, in that you can visible see him evolving. The scene around Dexer constantly changes, and with it he adapts, like a true predator would. Watching this process is just as terrifying as it is exhilirating. The addition of Jimmy Smits to the cast was another thing I wasn't too sure of to begin with, but god damn who could've known how awesome the character of Miguel Prado would be? The story arc they have going on right now between Dexter and Miguel is something that I as a viewer never could have anticipated. The supporting cast have each grown as individuals as well, another thing that doesn't happen in to many shows anymore. We're not focussed all the time on Dexter, which is good, because there's no chance for overkill... no pun intended.

Hopefully they can keep up this pace going forward, and I can only imagine the final two episodes this season will leave our jaws hanging on the floor. If you haven't watched Dexter before, you lose. Dexter's first and second seasons are both out on DVD, and if you catch up on them in time, you can view season three onDemand.



Review: Return To Sleepaway Camp

Sweet titty fucking christ...

Alright this movie was so fucking HORRIBLE that I did not want to even bother with writing a review. But today I signed into my MySpace and I found that Felissa Rose, who plays Angela, the killer in the original and who is back in the new Sleepaway Camp, has posted her reply to the many, many negative reviews that this movie is getting. Here are her logical, mature, comments replying to all websites that are bashing this movie....

"GO FU** YOURSELF

I love making movies. Especially when I really love the script, the people and the part. If an audience watches it, great, if they react-wow, wonderful, even if they hate it, well, then I've affected them and everyone is certainly entitled to their feelings about movies. We put ourselves on the line and know that we'll be scrutinized. I love it when people get fired up and even don't like the work, it's all good!!....I've gotten so many emails (I'd say hundreds) with people loving rtsc and some not loving it! Again, cool,..BUT WHAT THE FU** IS THEIR PROBLEM AT FANGORIA!!!!??? Again, I understand if someone doesn't like Return to Sleepaway Camp. You can review it, in an appropriate way, and say how you feel. But, it's exactly that..HOW YOU FEEL!! When you start to sound like you have a personal beef with someone, well, be a man about it, pussy, and confront me, or Robert. Don't hide behind your little computer and take it out on the film. And now there's another hatred review! PUHLEEEZE!! Did we need to hear from you folks again? Go make your own movie. Oh, that's right, you can't. The funding fell through....ooops, I'm getting personal. Ya know, I rarely get flaired up like this, but when I'm attacked PERSONALLY, WATCH OUT! SERIOUSLY!! Again, Karma is a bitch....and I can be too. ps you give us a five page spread to sell your magazine and then start trashing us!"

Felissa, come on. I am a huge Sleepaway Camp fan. Sleepaway Camp is my favorite horror movie. I got the box set that also includes it's two horribly bad sequels. But see even though those sequels are bad, they're so bad and cheesey that they're good. But Return To Sleepaway Camp? Sweet crap. It is pretty much the worst movie of the year, by far, hands down. I have never been more let down in my life by a movie. This was filmed in 2003/2004 and it just NOW came out on DVD. That should give you an idea. For the 4 years since completion the filmmakers have said "oh man we are doing tons of CGI work to make this look great". Yeah. That was their excuse. They were busy working on all the effects. Hey idiots Lord Of The Rings didn't take 4 years and look at all the damn effects in those movies.

Anyways, the story is this, Alan, a kid at camp, is picked on all the time. So of course you're supposed to feel sorry for him. And of course you're supposed to think he's the killer, since everyone that picks on him gets killed off. The only problem is... Alan is the most annoying obnoxious asshole on the planet. You actually sit and pray that he gets killed off right away. So you actually don't end up feeling sorry. Because you hate him just as much as everyone else in this movie. This is so horribly acted that you don't end up giving a shit about anyone in this movie. You just hope they all die.

SPOILER TERRITORY... I GUESS..... The worst part of this movie is the cop. Because it is the WORST make up job in history. If you are a fan of Sleepaway Camp, you knew already that Felissa Rose was coming back as Angela, to that right away cancels out Alan being the killer. Then you see the cop and from the very first scene you know it's someone in a disguise. They might as well just put on the funny glasses with the fake nose and moustache. That is what they spent 4 years on. The end of the movie the cop takes off his disguise and it's Angela!! Oh no!!! Who, ugh, I can't even describe it. How about the worst scene in the history of film? It's so badly acted and written that a 5 year old could have done a much better job. Angela laughs like an idiot because she killed all those kids, but there's no reason, she's just there. Then she stops laughing and does a stare into the camera, not a creepy stare, just, the dumbest look ever, like someone that is about to get hit by a car I guess? I dunno. I made the mistake of buying this DVD when it came out, after I watched it I put it on the shelf next to the Sleepaway Camp boxet, and my DVD shelf imploded. Not even my DVD shelf wanted anything to do with this movie.

The gore? Mediocre. The acting? Worst I have ever seen. The writing? Ugh don't get me started. There is no plot, no point, you feel dumber for watching it. I wish I could say "If you're a fan you'll love it but if not you probably won't." But I can't. As a Sleepaway Camp fan this is a SHITTY FUCKING MOVIE. Combine how let down you were after seeing Hulk and Superman Returns and multiply that by infinity. I can only imagine what it would be like for someone to watch this who isn't a fan.

-600 / 10

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Happy Birthday Mickey Mouse

Speaking of Disney... most members of DevonLohan.com are closet Disney marks. While D Money and myself are openly huge marks for damn near anything Disney related. Except all that, Hannah Montana Jonas Brothers bullshit.

Anyways, today Mickey Mouse turns 80 years old. It was 80 years ago today that Steamboat Willie was released. With the arrival of Random Villain Jr. looming any time now, this is the first year in a long long time that my annual Disney Birthday trip has been put on hold till next year. Boo hoo. Happy Birthday Mr. Mouse. Here are some classics for you all to enjoy.

















Trailer: Race to Witch Mountain

When I first read about this remake of the classic Disney film, which was very much camp and hilarious, not to mention named ESCAPE to Witch Mountain, I was a little perturbed. I grew up watching the classic live action Disney movies, and this was one of those situations where I felt like it didn't need to be remade. Then I saw the trailer.



Suffice to say, my mind was changed. That movie looks awesome.

Is this Depp as the Mad Hatter?

Apparently yesterday while I was off doing whatever it is I do, this picture leaked all over the internet. I'm surprised Random Villain wasn't all over it, cuz you know how much he loves him some Johnny Depp. Reportedly it's a leaked photo of Johnny Depp in character for his role as The Mad Hatter, in Tim Burton's remake of Alice in Wonderland. Why can't Tim Burton make movies where everyone doesn't look like transvestites?

What do you think? Is that Johnny, or is this some craft photoshop skillz? Sound off in the comments!

How is this bitch alive?

I don't understand how people like River Phoenix, Chris Farley, John Belushi, and Mitch Hedberg can all die from overdoses... but fucking Amy Winehouse is strung out on that shit every fucking night and she's not only lucent but she's clever! Any normal human would surely drop dead after spending one night ingesting the same amount of drugs Amy takes. Her body must have the highest drug and alcohol tolerance known to man. They should test her blood, they could very well find the cure for cancer.



Check out the Amy Winehouse bio, nudity review, pics and clips at MrSkin.com....if you DARE!

Monday, November 17, 2008

Space.... The Final Frontier.... STAR TREK TRAILER!!!

I am a big Star Wars fan. But because of my parents, I was raised on Star Trek. They watched every Star Trek series that came along. But I only stuck around for TOS and TNG. The later ones did nothing for me. TNG movies were pretty shitty too. I didn't even bother watched all of them. So when word came of a reboot of the old characters and JJ Abrams was handling it, I was very happy. And I gotta say, this trailer kicks fuckin ASS. I got some giddyness in my lil tummy when I heard the red alert goin off. Click below to watch for yourself...


Thursday, November 13, 2008

Trailer: 2012

It sounds great on paper, even the trailer looks pretty awesome, but it's directed by Roland Emmerich, so I'm not weighing too much on it.



What do you think? Does this trailer have you excited for 2012?

Todays Youth Is Full Of Pussies

That's right. Day after day I see today's youth being, well idiots. Kids today lack any and all common sense. On top of that they're mostly all emo kids. And even if they're not all emo they're wearing these jeans called "skinnies"? My nephews, both 13 wear these jeans all the time, looks like they stole them off some sick frail girl. So why are kids today complete wastes? Why do they lack all common sense? Why do they seem like complete pussies? Simple. It is the answer that many angry parents have been screamin about for years. Todays music, movies and TV shows. But not the kind you think.

See, when I was a kid, I had stuff like Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, He-Man, G.I. Joe. When I went to the movies, I went to see stuff like this....Today's kids go and see this....
When I was a kid, my brother took me to the movies to go see something that would end up changing my life forever, I went and saw this....Today kids get to go see Beverly Hills Chihuahua? What the fuck? Now don't get me wrong, there are some quality kids movies that still come out, but not the way they used to. Back in the 80s/early 90s. Kids in kids movies talked like actual kids. Calling each other FAGGOT and talkin some shit and pickin on each other, like kids. The Monster Squad is a perfect example of a kids movie, where the kids talked like real kids. But then there the worst part. The source of all this problem.

The fucking music. When I was a kid, we listened to this...Today, kids listen to nothing but this bullfuck....
Really? What the fuck? This rant is based on what I was doing last night. See me and the wife are in the zero hour. Our son is expected to be born pretty much any day now. So we decided to go to Best Buy and stock up on some DVDs for the young lad. I stocked up on the complete series of Masters Of The Universe, Voltron, and The Three Stooges. None of this pikachu bullshit. No musicals. The only thing is, faggot shit like High School Music, and My Chemical Romance, will be forgotten about in a few years. No one will care anymore. While shit that was around when I was a kid, like Ninja Turtles, and Metallica, are STILL kicking ass today. I don't know where this rant is headed, or why, I'm just bored and our other writers are slackers and lazy as fuck and I thought I should write something so i figured why not point out how much pussified todays world is so much in that kids today are growing up to be retarded sissies. The world kicked ass when I was a kid. Today, it sucks and kids have no choice but to deal with it. There's no options.

You know what else I hate? Homeless people that stand by the speaker box in the drive thru asking for change while you're trying to make your order. Hey homeless shmuck don't interupt my day and maybe I'll throw a quarter at your stupid drunken face next time. Get a job. Ass.

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Heroes Fans Need To Relax.

Everywhere I read, message boards, magazines, news sites, everyone if bitching about how shitty Heroes is this season. And it makes me really confused because to me, this season is the best yet. What I find dumb is last season, everyone was bitching about how there was a real lack of any kind of villain last season, so this season is based around villains so you would think people would be happy about that right? Nope. Gotta bitch and whine more.

You know what the problem is? Nerds. You can't please them no matter what you do. And a majority of Heroes fans are nerds. No matter how faithful to the comic film makers try to make their comic movies, nerds STILL get pissed off and have to bitch about something. 300 was the most faithful adaption of a comic I have ever seen, so what do nerds say? WAH THERE WAS TOO MUCH SLOW MOTION!! Hey guess what you're talking about adapting something you were a huge fan of, and you know what that is, STILL IMAGES THAT DON'T MOVE AT ALL! So of course, no matter what people do, Heroes is still gonna piss nerds off. They bitches about season 1, then they bitched about season 2. So in season 3 the writers tried to fix everything that people bitched about, and they do. People wanted more Sylar, they got it. People wanted more villains, they got a shitload. People wanted less of this person and more of that person. They got it. They bitch this season about how shitty Hayden Panettieres acting is, which is dumb cause she hasn't acted any different since season 1, so what do creators do last night? Have an entire episode without her except for 1 small scene which was from the first season and she has no lines! So what do they do? Complain about it all. Wah last night was a flashback episode and it was pointless!! No it wasn't I fuckin loved last nights episode. It answered questions that I had, such as is Angela a villain or a hero? Why did Sylar go crazy and start killing off tons of people to begin with? How come one guy can throw blue fire and Claires Mom can throw normal fire? Oh they're related! Makes sense. Done and done.

In my own words, to the complainers out there. Shut the fuck up. This season of Heroes is awesome. So stop whining, and just enjoy the god damn show. Stop reading into it damn much. And to Heroes creators, keep up the work, you're doing just fine.

Monday, November 10, 2008

That Commercial "Keeps Gettin' Better"



It’s sad when a 30 second commercial is actually better than a music video. Christina Aguilera somehow made a lackluster music video where she sits in in front of a “control panel” as different variations of her... well... actually I don’t know what she's supposed to do. I assume that she’s supposed to save the world by calling up herself on the phone. 60s style hippy is one of her options. Let’s ride a bike to save energy! But wait, no! Let’s ride a car with different colored hair! The flower-power idea was scrapped a little too early in the song to be worthy for mockery.


There is some more promise with the actual video, but then you lose it completely. Clearly, they made Christina stand in front of a green screen and didn’t know what else to do so they decided to put some goo behind her. I understand her part as a “superhero” beause it fits the lyrics. But who decided to create her outfit as a really bad Catwoman?


The whole video sounds like a treatment that a kid in fourth grade would make up:
+ I like dancing robots!
+ I like buttons!
+ I like dress up!
+ I like heat sensors!
+ I like goo!

Out of nowhere Christina is advertising her CD at Target. That video is ten times better than the original. It may be a little too literal, but think about it. The color scheme is amazing. It fits her red lips. Her hair looks good as a superhero, not like a crap afro. There’s some playfulness where words like “Bitch” aren’t acceptable, the stereotypical text of “Ahh” is used instead.



I’ll forgive the slight Lady GaGa-esque hair, but what the hell? I get it, MTV really doesn’t show music videos anymore, but it does show commercials. There is always a chance that for the European/Asian market she will make another variation of her video (See Jordin Sparks and Leona Lewis). Make better music videos and maybe you’ll save some time by killing two birds with one stone.

Is True Blood the Best Show on Cable?

In my opinion it is.

True Blood was created by Alan Ball, who you may recall was the brains behind HBO's previous hit, Six Feet Under. Until this show began, I would easily say Six Feet Under held the mantle of being my favorite show to ever air on HBO, which is no small feat, considering the company the show kept.

Set in the fictional town of Bon Temps, Louisianna, True Blood centers around the characters of Sookie Stackhouse and her Vampire boyfriend, Bill Compton. Sookie, played by Anna Paquin (X-Men), is a waitress with a big secret... she's a Telepath. Season One so far has dealt with Sookie's budding relationship with Bill Compton (Stephen Moyer), a Vampire born again during the Civil War. Surrounded by an incredible supporting cast, Paquin and Moyer bring real-life relationship issues to the screen, but with a big supernatural twist.

I would go so far as to say True Blood is easily one of the best Sci-Fi shows on TV right now. It took the season to get in a couple of episodes before it REALLY picked up, but right from the bat you'll be hooked. I can tell you now, that if you're just starting to watch, it only gets better and better. It seems like each week something even crazier than the last happens, and every episode leaves you with a breathless cliffhanger.

I can't imagine this show ever airing on a channel other than HBO (or any of the other pay channels) simply because the raw, gritty, dirty feeling it gives you couldn't come across on any of those mediums. Part of the appeal from True Blood is in just how dirty it makes you feel.

The story... well... suffice to say the Vampire guy, Human girl thing has been done to death. However, True Blood is honestyly unlike anything you've ever seen or read before. It takes that basic plot, and then slams it against a tree, and then rips its heart out. The plot is completely original, thanks to Charlaine Harris, who wrote the series of books that inspired the show.

In True Blood, Japanese scientist's have invented synthetic blood, and vampires have progressed from legendary monsters to fellow citizens overnight. They call this the "Coming Out". Meanwhile humans have begun to consider themselves safe, some even marrying and loving Vampires, but many remain apprehensive about these creatures they only knew in nightmares as children. Religious leaders and government officials around the world have chosen their sides, which is usually shown via a TV news report, or magazine cover (Angelina Adopts Vampire Baby!) but in the small Louisiana town of Bon Temps, the jury is still out. Bon Temps is, simply put, as backwoods as it gets.

Like I mentioned before, the entire supporting cast is made up of lesser-known actors who could each probably carry a show themselves. You begin to care for these characters, and often find yourself wondering if you'd make the choice to become a Vampire, or stay loyal to your own humanity.

If you like Vampires, this is obviously a show for you... but if you're looking for a show that delivers non-stop intrigue, suspense, and entertainment... then you owe it to yourself to check out True Blood, and see what it's all about.

Sunday, November 9, 2008

Ten Reasons Why Barack Obama is Already the Coolest President Ever.

I'm gonna keep it short and sweet. These are my top ten reasons why Obama will be so much cooler than any other President before him.



  1. He promised his wife he would quit smoking before beginning his campaign. To this day, he has yet to quit.


  2. He collects Spiderman and Conan the Barbarian comics.


  3. He has read and loves every Harry Potter book.


  4. He once ate dog meat, as well as snake, and grasshopper.


  5. He benches 200.


  6. He admitted to using Cocaine and Marijauna as a teen.


  7. He uses a MacBook.


  8. He has said he will install a basketball court on White House grounds.


  9. He just finished paying his student loans 4 years ago, only after his book came out.


  10. He is a huge Bob Dylan fan.


These are my Top 10 reasons for why Barack Obama will easily be the coolest President this country has ever had.



I think I love my X-Box.

My birthday still isn't for 10 more days, but last week my Mom was kind enough to go ahead and bestow on me my birthday present.... a brand spankin new X-Box 360 Elite (the 120gb model).

Gaming and I go back a long way, as is to be expected with most guys in their early 20s. We were kids when NES came out, tweens when the N64 and Playstation hit the market, and well on our way to post-adolescence adulthood when the next-gen systems started rolling out. I played games religiously for years, right up to around my 21st birthday. At the time, I was engaged to be married and living out on my own, and never had much free time to play, so my Playstation 2 started to collect some dust. 3 years later, I'm a single guy, and between working and playing catch up on my DVR, I found myself being bored when I was home, more often than not. With the slumping economy and still high gas prices, it's not so easy to go out and do whatever I want anymore. I have to be more fiscally responsible, and find ways to occupy my time in the house. So I began to get the itch to play games again. About 5 months ago, I was invited to a coworker's house for a party, where I played a Wii for the first time. I was instantly hooked, and had to have one.

I bought the Wii, but quickly found that the gameplay on it wasn't quite what I was looking for. I ended up playing mostly Gamecube games on it (i.e. Zelda: Twilight Princess), or just throwing in on some Wii Sports with my roommate. What I wanted instead, was a console that provided me with exciting platform games and an experience that didn't require me to swing my arms all over the living room. What I got, was an X-Box 360.

So far, I'm only playing the first game I bought for it, and that's Fable 2.

This game is so far beyond anything I've ever played before, that I easily lose myself playing it for 5, 6, even 7 hours straight. It's safe to say there's aspects of this game that have never been done before. It's pretty much mesmerizing to play once you get in to it. You have your basic quest, which shapes the direction of the game, but you also have hundres of customizable side quests. I say customizable because you make independent decisions that affect the outcomes of those quests. Just this morning, I was commissioned by a Farmer to catch a Bandit and his band of theives. Once I'd defeated all the bandits, I was presented with the option to take the surrendering leader back to the farmer for proper punishment, or I could kill him myself. By killing a man who had surrendered, I'm pushing myself a little further towards evil. I like to use magic, and since I use it so much, my skin is starting to crack, and bright light glows out from under it. My pupils are blackening even. I'm married, own three houses, and my wife is pregnant. My dog has mastered 5 different tricks, is a level 3 fighter dog, and a level 3 treasure hunter. I have statues in my image in 4 towns, and bards singing songs about me just as far.

If you're in to a good fantasy epic (or really just a great game period), this is definitely the game for you.

I'd write more now... but all this talk to my X-Box makes me want to go play it some more.

Saturday, November 8, 2008

That Loud Noise Was Millions Of Hearts Breaking. Ratner Making Conan.

Ya know, this is fucking stupid. Ratner is the worst piece of shit director on the planet. He ruins everything he goes near. I don't have many words, I just wanted everyone to know this assface is going to ruin Conan The Barbarian.

Ugh.

Fuckin Brett Ratner.

Friday, November 7, 2008

Could Heroes be Saved After All?

News broke late yesterday that original Heroes scribe, and current Pushing Daisies creator, Bryan Fuller would consider returning to Heroes, if Pushing Daisies does indeed get cancelled. Currently, there's only a 13 episode order in for the sophmore season of Daisies, which would have the show running out of episodes in January.

Fuller spoke exclusively to Entertainment Weekly, telling them: "I am exclusive to Daisies through the delivery of the 13th episode of our 13-episode order, which will be mid-January. If Daisies isn't picked up by then, I will definitely be going back to play with my friends at Heroes."

For many fans of the show, especially those of us who preferred the first season over anything that came after it, this is a great bit of news. Fuller, who began as a part-writer for Heroes, eventually worked his way up to entire episodes, including the widely popular episode, "Company Man". The episode, which was HRG-centric, took us down a path we're used to seeing on shows like LOST. Fuller made a short chore of unlocking the secrets behind "The Man in the Horn-Rimmed Glasses" and many fans have hailed this as Heroes' best episode ever.

Myself personally, I'm a bit torn. I'm a big fan of Pushing Daisies and would hate to see it come to an end, but if it meant Fuller returning to Heroes and getting that show out of the shiteous slump it's currently in, then I would be okay with that. With the firing of Jeph Loeb and Jesse Alexander, Heroes is finding itself in need of some new creative process... otherwise, it might be the show we find on the cancellation shelf.


Wednesday, November 5, 2008

My Message for Barack Obama

You won. Congratulations. Now don't screw it up. You have some political capital- use it for some good but don't go overboard. I'll be keeping my eye out for you.

Now I'll go back to doing my job- Looking out for the folks.

If Obama does something good, I'll give him credit for it. When he screws up, I'm going to call him on it.

The World, Celebrates Obama.

I've never seen this go down before with an election, where the entire world is celebrating the victory of a US President. Take a look....

The sisters of Martin Luther King Jr. in Atlanta

Shanghai

London partied their asses off, so here is what Simon Pegg has to say....

Before the election: "The very best of luck to my friends in the US on what must surely be the most significant day in contemporary American political history.

Far be it from me to preach, or transmit my own political beliefs but I hope you all make the choice that's right for America and thus right for the world.

In other words...FOR THE LOVE OF SWEET LADY GAIA AND ALL HER BLUE AND GREEN MAJESTY, VOTE FOR BARACK OBAMA!!!!!"

After the election: "Congratulations to all in the US on this historic day. Speaking as an outsider looking in, from a symbolic standpoint alone, America seems spontaneously invigorated. Leading the world not simply with might but with tolerance and progressive thinking. Jesse Jackson's tears said it all.

Hooray for B.O. (the leader of the free world, not the personal hygiene issue)."

Kenya (that is Obamas Step Grandmoter.)

Japan

Israel

Iraq

Indonesia

India

Denmark And The Netherlands

Australia

Athens

Tatooine (seriously all this reminds me of the celebrations scene in Star Wars.)

What I don't understand is how PISSED and BITTER republicans are today. Don't they realize the important thing? Can't they take a step back and look and see that 50 years ago, if you went to anyone and said "Hey, in 2009 we will have a black president." They would laugh their damn asses off at you. The angry bitter republicans can't step back and take a look at how far Americans have come and the country has grown to the point that WE HAVE A BLACK PRESIDENT. History was indeed made. And people need to stop being such babies and grow up. I really enjoy how the republicans I've talked to are going on about how this is the beginning of the end for the United States but don't realize that America is already in the shitter. 5 dollar gas prices? Stock market crashing? War? Lies? Corporations going under? Yeah, America was in good hands with republicans running it. Republicans did a really good job on snagged Osama Bin Laden and finding those WMDs. In the words of Owen Hart, enough is enough, and it's time for a change. And change is here.



Tuesday, November 4, 2008

Barack Obama Voters....... You have chosen.....


WISELY.




I am a Real American- I Voted John McCain

These are dangerous times we are living in. Militant Islamo-fascists want to destroy Americans. Radical socialists want to turn us into Cuba or Venezuela. Anti-White racists want to overthrow the government and install Barack Hussein Obama as our Robert Mugabe.

Make no mistake, if Barack Obama is elected, the terrorists will win. John McCain is a very polite man and wants to stay out of the "dirty politics." He has stated that Obama is a "fine family man." This is because he knows he cannot tell the truth. He will be branded a racist and it will cost him media and votes. He knows that radical foreign Muslims pose a grave threat to our American way of life.

John McCain is a real American. He has served his country admirably and is a decorated War Hero. He has selflessly served in the U.S. Senate, diligently fighting the communists in our midsts. He has what it takes to lead us to Victory, from Day One.

His running mate Sarah McCain is a regular American who knows what it is like to work for a living. Her husband Todd is a rugged man's man, who sacrificed his blue collar $100,000 a year job so his wife could reform the State of Alaska. They have struggled to raise 5 wonderful children on the combined salaries of a humble public servant, oil field worker, fisherman, and snowmobile racer. Mrs. Palin, as a beautiful white woman, did not have the privilege of attending fancy universities. And her Eskimo husband has faced ugly racism and discrimination.

These are the people who know what it is like to be middle class, hardworking, and not know where their next meal is coming from. Often times, in order to feed their children, Mrs. Palin even had to go out and shoot a moose or muskrat. When they were hungry, Bill Ayers did not invite them over for dinner. Tony Resko did not buy them a house. They scrimped and saved for a modest half a million dollar cottage, which Todd built with his bare hands.

I submitted my vote for John McCain via absentee ballot. Unlike most of Barack Obama's supporters I have a job, and I am not allowed to take the whole day off to vote. I am afraid this may decide the election. While regular Americans are at work today, those who manage to cast their votes on their lunch break are being threatened and turned away by armed Black Panthers.

Meanwhile Obama supporters recently received their monthly welfare benefits and are waiting in line at the ballot box, flush with malt liquor, fried chicken, and Kool cigarettes. They have nothing to do but vote for their Messiah, who promises to pay their bills.



Monday, November 3, 2008

The Redskins Lost, Meet Your New President Barack Obama

The Steelers beat the Redskins on Monday Night Football. When the Redskins lose the Monday night before the presidential election, the White House always changes parties. Check your history.

You can keep your fancy polls, this is the most accurate way to predict the winner.

Congratulations Barack Obama and Byron Leftwich.



Happy Birthday Roseanne!

We here at DevonLohan.com would like to extend our birthday wishes to star of the greatest sitcom in television history.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY ROSEANNE!



Devon Gets Fired And Then Meets Obama?!?!

An anonymous source sent me this picture. Apparently Devon got let go from writing on this site and turns out he gets to hang out with Obama all day! Wow!!!!!



(The real truth behind this is Devon himself made this picture, why? I have no idea.)

Review: Zack And Miri Make A Porno

I have been a Kevin Smith fan for a long long time. Ever since Clerks first came out on VHS and I got a screener copy from my parents video store, I became a huge fan. And I have followed his work ever since. Now I don't want people to think since I am a huge fan that I am biased, he has made some that I am not much of a fan of, Jay And Silent Bob Strike Back is my least favorite of them all, it was just a little too cartoony and stupid for me, but it was still entertaining. Clerks 2 was great but that whole, dance number thing was dumb. Chasing Amy and Clerks though, are my favorite movies that he has done. Mallrats, it's good but Jeremy London ruins that movie. Dogma is damned good and original. And then he tried to branch out with Jersey Girl, which was actually pretty damn good. So after Clerks 2, Kevin Smith decided to branch out once more with Zack and Miri.

I had one huge complaint about this movie, but I later found out that I shouldn't. See I HATED how it ended, hated it. But I later found out it's one of those damn movies where the real ending is shown during the credits, which I didn't stick around for since I had to take a damn leak. So, turns out, my biggest complaint wouldn't have been if I didn't have to pee. So I found out what happens during the credits and all that good stuff and with that I have to say....

This is Kevin Smiths best movie.

The acting, the writing, the look and feel, even the music. Everything is great. Anyone that has seen commercials or previews know the story, Zack and Miri, best friends since the 1st grade, are roommates, and broke, power off, water off, things are going to hell so Zack decides that they should make a porno. Of course, hijinks ensue, but then things take a turn and something more comes from a movie that seems that it's just about two people making a porno. Who knew that a movie about porn and has poop in it can turn out to be one of the best romantic comedies I have seen in a long time.

Originally Rosario Dawson was supposed to play the role of Miri, but due to her working on Eagle Eye she had to bow out, enter Elizabeth Banks, and thank god. I think that if Rosario had played Miri, she wouldn't have done a better job than Banks did as Miri. Now a couple weeks ago people were pissed about how Elizabeth Banks was willing to be nude for the movie but Kevin Smith told her that he didn't need her to get nude in the movie. So of course guys get a little annoyed with this but honestly, it works. Her not getting topless in the movie makes sense, and is even addressed in the movie as part of the story. If she did, it would have killed a lot of what made this movie so great.

Anyways this movie is getting mixed reviews, and the bad reviews I have read seem to be from people that didn't even watch the movie, (like the Entertainment Weekly reviewer who obviously didn't pay any attention to the movie.) Of course this movie isn't for everyone, I know my parents wouldn't want any part of this movie, especially after the anal scene, yeesh.

General rating. 8/10

Out of all of Kevin Smiths movies. 10/10

Random Villain Encounters A Flag Burning John McCain Supporter

Friday.

October 31st.

Halloween.

Phoenix AZ.

It's Halloween, and like an idiot, at the last minute I bolt to a Halloween store to snag a costume. I am standing near the mask section and I overhear some guy asking about an Obama mask, which they are all out of stock on, but they had plenty of McCain masks.... anyways, I browse further away and after awhile I hear some random voice behind me from some guy...

Guy: "Har har you couldn't find that Obama mask huh?!"

Me: "What?"

Guy: "That Obama mask"

Me: " "I wasn't looking for an Obama mask."

Guy: "Har har har yeah I was looking for one too I wanted to wear it and carry around a burning american flag."

Me: "So you're supporting McCain by burning an american flag?"

Guy: "Yeah cause that's what Obama is going to do!"

Me: "No, that's what YOU'RE going to be doing, which shows to me that McCain supporters are also flag burners."

Guy: "No no no no see-"

Me: "Oh no, I do see."

At that point I walk off. Why are people so fuckin stupid? Every voter I have talked to go like this.... people with common sense and are not obnoxious or annoying are the ones I see voting for Obama. But people that are loud and annoying and never shut the fuck up, are voting for McCain. These idiots that are voting for McCain, also voted for George Bush, and we saw how all that worked out.

Don't be stupid.

Vote Obama.

And shut the fuck up.

Sunday, November 2, 2008

My 2008 Presidential Results Predictions: Vote Percentage and Electoral Results

What the hell. I read an article earlier that had predictions from around a dozen well-known political pundits and writers. They all agreed that Democrats would gain seats in Congress and control 57-59 seats in the Senate. All but one predicted an Obama victory, most with well over 300 electoral votes. This included mot of he Republicans. One GOP consultant predicted a 50/50 vote percentage tie, with McCain winning with 283 electoral votes. Sounds a little bit too much like Gore/Bush 2000 to me.

I said I would not try to predict this, but after careful consideration and consulting my polls, charts, and graphs of historical data and trends, I will give it a shot.

Not only am I going to predict the results of the 2008 Presidential election, I am going to predict results for minor party ( third party) candidates down to the 0.01%! None of that 50+50=100 crap here. We have around 37 different guys running and they deserve my respect and ridicule as well.

Obama (D) 51.46% 318 electoral
McCain (R) 47.31 220
Nader (C) 0.54
Barr (L) 0.42
Baldwin (C) 0.14
McKinney (G) 0.08
Paul (I) 0.03
Keyes (I) 0.01
All Others (I) 0.01

There you have it. I see a fairly close vote count but a decisive Obama victory. The minor party candidates will combine for slightly above 1% up to around 1.5% with Nader and Barr taking the majority of those. The other candidates lack the ballot access to break 100,000 votes. Chuck Baldwin will pick up some votes because of some eondorsements. McKinney will lose votes to both Nader and Obama. Paul and Keyes have passionate followers but only appear on 1 or 2 state ballots. In Paul's case he did not even want to be on any ballots and urged his supporters to choose another candidate who agreed with the 4 Point Campaign for Liberty Platform.

Here is how I figured the McCain and Obama vote % and Electoral College votes. I went by the Real Clear Politics national average. I figured the undecided/other block by subtracting the likely turnout for third party candidates. Of the remaining undecideds I gave most to McCain. I think he is likely to get a majority of undecided independents and late voters.

For the states, I gave them all the states that are considered "solid" as well as any leaners with a polling lead greater than a few points. I gave McCain a couple states that are leaning Obama because I have a feeling the white working class block is going to turn out there.

Even being very conservative and givng McCain most "tossup" states that should lean Republican, my predictions still give Obama a healthy victory.

It won't be a landslide. It won't be as close as 2000 either. And since there are no prominent third party options ( there is no Perot, people are tired of Nader, Nader is tired of the Green Party, and Bob Barr failed to fundraise or court Ron Paul supporters), someone will win more than 50%.

I Wrote Mmy Representatives to Demand Obama's Birth Certificate

Here's a final preview of your letters to Congress.

November 3, 2008
Dear Representative Waxman,
Dear Senator Boxer,
Dear Senator Feinstein,

Hello Senators.

I received an email from a " Constitutional" group soliciting money so they could run delusional anti-Obama newspaper ads and sign a petition demanding that Senator Obama "show his papers."

They wanted me to send you their form letter that was pasted here. They have some strange Constitutional reasons for demanding to personally inspect Barack Obama's birth certificate. I suspect that this organization "We The People" is made up of deranged bigots.

I consider myself a supporter of the Constitution and am in some ways personally "conservative." However, I find these deranged people to be mentally disturbed and I look forward to seeing Senator Obama elected President this Tuesday. He is a great example of an American success story. It is sad that so many people allow fear and bigotry to rule their lives.
Sincerely,

Mr. XXXXXX XXXXXXX
PO Box XXXX
XXXXXXXX, CA 90XXX

John McCain is a True American Hero and Patriot

I will be voting for John McCain, the only American choice for President. I came across this blog on Digg. I saw the anti-American socialist diatribe that someone wrote on here defending Barack Hussein Obama and his terrorist tendencies. The authors were gracious enough to allow me to write a piece on American Hero John McCain.

Tomorrow, I will be writing a post on why voting for John McCain is the only choice we have in these dangerous times. I believe that if we get this message out to enough people John McCain will win, my friends.

Barack Obama Birth Certificate Skeptic Constitutional Nutjobs

In two days we will probably know who the next President of the United States is. I don't want to make any predictions, because you really never know how accurate polling is or which way swing states will shake out.

I have noticed one disturbing "movement." Well, shit, I would hardly call a handful of cave dwellers an actual movement. And certainly we've seen many disturbing things this election season.

This one has been boiling under for awhile and never really gotten any traction..because only fucking lunatics care.

That is Barack Obama's Birth Certificate. You see, we all know that Barack Obama "isn't like us." He is a scary Muslim who is not only not a Patriot ( he once left left the house without a flag pin! He also has the AUDACITY to think slavery was wrong!) but is not even an American citizen. Right?

Wrong. Fuck all that bullshit.

Recently I have seen more and more internet petitions and groups demanding that Barack Obama produce his birth certificate ( show us your papers!). If you are among this group, you sir are a fucking nutbag. Do you understand?

I can only think of some very ugly, ignorant, and irrational reasons behind this. They are obvious to me, but I hate to accuse anyone of bigotry or insanity without good reason. Frankly I think these people need serious mental help.

For one thing, John McCain was not born in the United States. There was a little chatter about this in the primary season, but most people ( rightly) concluded that John McCain is a United States citizen who was born to US citizens in a location under US control.

But people are obsessed with Barack Obama's "citizenship." His father was from Kenya. Ok. His mother is an American citizen with a lineage that goes back hundreds of years. In fact, Obama probably has more "Southern heritage" than 99% of the toothless racist rednecks who hate him. He has ancestors who served in the government of the old south and relatives who fought on both sides of the Civil War.

Obama has a "funny name." Newsflash- there are probably 5 billion people in the world with names that sound "funny" to American Rednecks. And there is nothing particularly original about "American culture," except for our concepts of government and individual rights ( which are derived amalgamations of the ideas of previous governments and philosophers).

The concept of America and our brand of Western Thinking comes down to individualism. The idea that each person is judged on his individual merits and personally accountable for his own actions- not the actions of his ancestors. We don't have a formal caste system based on religion, eye color, or your mother's employer. Our rules are supposed to apply equally. Whatever Obama's father or aunt or 2nd cousin did or did not do, should not matter at all. The same goes for McCain.

We are also supposed to be about substance and ideas. Many of Obama's critics accuse him of being an empty suit with no substance, but THEY are the ones worrying about superficial things like his name, the size of his ears, the religion of his distant relatives, whether Michelle called someone a "whitey" on a top secret hidden tape,etc.

But the nutjobs want it both ways. When it comes to a lot of public policy they support "personal responsibility" and rugged individualism. But if you have a funny name or dark skin color, or God forbid a "furriner", you are treated as less than human and held responsible not for your own actions, but are responsible for all your relatives and ancestors ( only the black ones though), pastors ( see previous), 2nd cousins, neighbors, and everyone you have ever met.

John McCain is a divorced life long government employee who finished near the bottom of his class, crashed planes, and raised hell. He married a woman whose family became very rich through the government controlled socialism of legal drug dealing. Mrs. McCain was not only a drug addict but she stole from a non-profit and used her wealth and political clout to punish the whistler blower. John McCain supports the federal government conducting pre-dawn "no knock" raids and the deployment of paramilitary troopers with flashbang grenades and automatic weapons to terrorize cancer patients who use medical marijuana legally in their state. His salary and healthcare have been paid by taxpayers for over 50 years. McCain previously avoided talking about religion and was known for not being a church goer. He stated in the past that if his daughter wanted to have an abortion it would be a "private matter." Recently he apparently spends his Sundays at a Baptist church in Arizona and has been endorsed by extreme theoocrats who oppose The Constitution of the United States and support overthrowing the government and installing "Biblical law."

Barack Obama has been married to one woman and has a traditional family. He has an Ivy league education. His wife is well educated and has been gainfully employed. As far we know she is not a drug addict and her father did not receive government favors so he could sell drugs and give her the proceeds. However she has made the mistake of saying she was "not always proud of my country." Like most people, Obama admits to trying marijuana in his youth. Unlike most politicians he has been candid about it. The Obamas attended a Christian church for a long time. But since it was a "black" church, you know, they aren't real Christians. They Must be Muslims! ( look at that funny name!) The reverend was a military veteran whose served his country 6 years in both the Marine Corps and the Navy. He was part of the medical team that cared for President LBJ. He was a fiery speaker who said some "controversial" things- kinda like your "crazy uncle" who served in the war and says some weird things but you know deep down he's a good guy. But reverend Wright is BLACK! OMG- He hates America!

What I find hilarious is some of the so-called Constitutionalists who insist they are "not racist" while calling Obama things like "half breed n*****" and claiming they only care about The Constitution and The Rule of Law. That's funny considering John McCain has never given a damn about the Constitution. And these fundamentalist bigots only cherry pick the ( obscure or often imagined) parts of the Constitution that support their agenda.

No doubt some of these wackjobs also "follow" Ron Paul. Which is another joke at their expense. Ron Paul has said many times that supporting liberty or "the freedom movement" is not something where you pick and choose. You either support the concept or not.

If you don't like Obama or McCain, how about giving some reasons based on actual ISSUES? Both major candidates have reasons to dislike them without engaging in nutjob paranoid delusional conspiracies and personal attacks. Both are "socialists" and both "pal around" with some shady characters. They have mostly nuanced beliefs and but a few fundamental disagreements. Why not make an informed decision based on that.

In some ways I feel bad for McCain. I have a feeling he is a decent guy, and knows a lot of his supporters are low-life scumbags. But this is electoral politics and Republicans can't win without the nuts ( even George W. Bush knows a lot of those people are fucking lunatics) these days.

Anyone who supports a guy simply because he is a white POW but hates his opponent because he is multi-racial and has a "funny name" and thinks a half-black guy with hundreds of years of American ancestry is a "Muslim" ( not that it should matter anyway) and "not a real American" does not know the first fucking thing about what it really means to actually BE an American.