Thursday, April 30, 2009

Top 5 Funniest Movies Of All Time Countdown: #4

Once upon a time... Tim Burton was a God among directors. Well those times are long gone, but his movies from long ago still hold up today, and with that, the 4th funniest movie of all time, goes to his 1st feature film of all time....

Pee Wees Big Adventure

Sweet mother of all that is holy. When I was a little kid this was the funniest shit I had ever seen. Still to this day this movie will get a couple laugh out louds from me. This has to be one of the most quotable movies of all time. And what kid didn't do the weird little dance to Tequila? I sure as hell did. Hell I still do. I just wish I had those shoes. Once or twice a year I take a trip down the I-10 to Disneyland. And it has become a tradition for us to take a stop at Burger King in Cabazon, CA, which happens to be where the T-Rex is.

Paul Reubens plays Pee Wee but what most people don't know is the man is a pretty damn good actor. Example: Blow. There have been rumors going on for years and years that he wants to bring back Pee Wee in a dark movie, and a kids movie. No other news has come from that though, guess we just have to sit and wait.

Interesting Pee Wees Big Adventure Tidbits:

We see Pee Wee in the tyrannosaurus rex dinosaur watching the sun come up. But what most people don't know is just a few feet from that dinosaur, stands the brontosaurus from, The Wizard. Where Jimmy goes to leave his lunchbox. And, that lunchbox is actually still inside of it, I know cause I have been there and seen it, and even taken a picture of it.

During the scene in the magic shop, a poster can be seen on the front of the counter for someone called "Alexander". The picture is quite clearly Jambi the Genie from "Pee-wee's Playhouse"

As Pee Wee walks into the magic shop at the beginning of the film, you can see a poster of "Elvira Mistress of the Dark". Elvira is the alter-ego of Cassandra Peterson, who plays the "Biker Momma" at the biker bar later on in the film.

And well since I can't find the clip anywhere, here is my favorite scene in the movie....

[Pee-Wee looks at Mickey's hand as he is wearing one handcuff]
Pee-wee: What did you do?
Mickey: Well, I lost my temper and I took a knife and I uh-. Do you know those "Do Not Remove Under the Penalty of Law" labels they put on mattresses?
Pee-wee: Yeah.
Mickey: Well I CUT one of them off!
Pee-wee: Jee.
Mickey: Yeah, I have a real bad temper.

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Top 5 Funniest Movies Of All Time Countdown: #5

I remember the very first movie I ever got to go see in theaters. And that movie just happens to be, in my opinion, #5 in my top 5 funniest movies of all time.

Three Amigos

I have been a huge Steve Martin fan my whole life. Even though most consider The Jerk as his funniest movie, I hold Three Amigos dear to my heart. This is Martin, Chase, and Short at their very best. It may not be mentioned or said publicly, but if you think about it, Tropic Thunder is a remake of Three Amigos in a similar way. Where a group of actors, think they're putting on a show, and end up in a real situation. But to me, Three Amigos is 100 times funnier than Tropic Thunder.

The grand day came one Christmas morning. I had the flu and was laying on the couch, my parents rolled in a red wagon full of toys, and on top, was a VHS copy of Three Amigos. I laid on the couch, puking and laughing all day long, watching it over and over again. This was back when comedies were brilliant. Great actors, writing, directing, everything. Of course that all turned to nothing but gross out comedies and it seemed like the comedy world was dying until Judd Apatow came along and brought back good comedy movies.

Interesting Three Amigo Tidbits:

Chevy Chase's favorite film of his own.

John Landis states, had Martin Short turned down the role of Ned, he would have then approached Rick Moranis to play the role.

Steven Spielberg considered directing the film but chose to do E.T.: The Extra-Terrestrial instead. He has said in interviews his choices for the roles of the Three Amigos were Steve Martin for Lucky Day, Bill Murray for Dusty Bottoms and Robin Williams for Ned Nederlander.

Sam Kinison had a role as Mexican bandit/stalker that was filmed and later cut by director John Landis.

Devon Lohan Likes #3!

Welcome to the third entry in the Devon Lohan likes series! If you can't tell from the last couple day's posts, obviously I'm a big fan of Heroes and Chuck, but let's take a look at a few other things I'm currently enjoying.

  1. "Coming to Terms" by Carolina Liar. - The Los Angeles based alt-rock band has really been all over the place recently. Songs have popped up in all three CW teen dramas, Gossip Girl, 90210, and One Tree Hill, and recently can also be heard in a commercial, though I can't remember or find on the internet just what the commercial was for. A car I think? Anyway, the album is really good. There's a lot of different sounds on it, so I think at least one song on the album can appease fans of a lot of different kinds of music.
  2. Twitter. - If you don't know what Twitter is by now, you must not own a PC or even a TV for that matter. It's a social networking site that strips away all the nonsense you get with Myspace and Facebook, and leaves you with just status updates. You can follow anyone and everyone, and they can follow you back, and you stay in touch via short 1-2 line updates - which you can do via the web or your cellphone. One of the coolest things is, it's all the rage with celebrities and famous people alike, and you get a glimpse in to some of the things they personally find interesting. Follow me at
  3. - Yet another "you have to live under a rock" website, considering the entertaining and over the top commercials they have on TV, featuring the likes of Alec Baldwin and Seth McFarlane. Hulu has some of the best TV shows out right now available and streaming 24/7 on demand, via their website. Do you miss The Office and 30 Rock every week because your DVR will only record Hell's Kitchen and Grey's Anatomy like mine? Then you can watch them anytime you want via the site! I'm pretty sure Hulu has a deal with NBC and FOX for their shows, so you won't find many ABC or CBS shows there (CBS has a deal with and ABC has their own site) but there's still a plethora of programs to watch. Check it out, it makes your usually boring lunch break a lot more entertaining. (UPDATE: Disney has joined Hulu, so now ABC shows and its film library will appear on the site!)

Transformers 2 Trailer: Pure Bad Ass

Holy. Crap.

I know that's shitty quality, but it'll do for now. At least until it gets yanked.

Open letter to NBC: Please Save CHUCK!

NBC for the love of God... I loved Journeyman and you canceled it. I was starting to really like Kings, and you banished it to the summer... but please, under no circumstances, should you even consider cancelling Chuck. I know it's on the bubble, but damn it, it shouldn't be. Spoilers coming up!

Chuck has to be one of the most fun and entertaining shows on television, and this past Monday's season (hopefully not series) finale was so awesome, that when it ended I was really frustrated. I need more! The late season addition of Scott Bakula as Chuck's dad and the subsequent storyline were so awesome (there's that word again), Ellie and Devon's wedding disaster at the hands of Morgan and "Jeffster" (oh god how funny was Dr. Woodcomb's line about Lester looking like an Indian Lesbian) was so hilarious, and then the second wedding was sweet and touching. The return of Bryce Larkin was exhilirating. Sarah finally realizing that she can't leave Chuck because she loves him, and then the big showdown with Ted Roark (played to perfection by Chevy Chase) were intense and exciting.... and then came the big ending. In an effort to protect the country and save the people he loves, Chuck realizes he has no choice but to put the NEW Intersect back in to his brain... and I emphasize new, because this isn't your mom and dad's Intersect. The new Intersect apparently not only allows you to flash on objects, but it now uploads content to your brain, ala The Matrix... and when Chuck suddenly starts to kick the ass out of every bad agent in the room, you realize that this show just took a turn so exciting, that it reminds me and you of the best action shows of the past. I seriously had a sense of reminiscence for the A-Team or the Bionic Man. In the final moments of the show Chuck uploads the ability to fight the villains, just like Neo did in the Matrix, and in the final line of the season (again hopefully not the series) he says to Sarah and Casey with a look of shock and delight on this face "I know Kung-Fu" and in that moment I realize that this show is definitely one of my favorites.

The season may be over, but the show is completely available on and the first season is out on DVD. I can't tell you how much awesome (3rd time!) you are missing out on if you're not watching this show. It's something you can watch with your wives or girlfriends even, but still get all the great buddy-buddy action and techy nerd humor that you crave. This is no doubt one of the most creative and exciting shows on TV, not to mention how funny it is. You should be watching Chuck. You'll thank me when you're done!

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

I'm Just Gonna Leave This Here.....

Heroes: Season 3 Finale Roundup

Spoilerphobes beware! Spoilers ahead. I repeat for you dumb kids, SPOILERS AHEAD.

So last night the 3rd season of NBC's Heroes came to it's end, and I have to say, it was pretty fucking fantastic. Yes, the better part of the this season was weak (we'll blame it on the Villains arc), but when they went in to the Fugitives arc, the show really picked back up. Some could say it has a lot to do with Bryan Fuller returning, but in all honesty Fuller's only had an impact on the last 3 or so episodes. The show has been really good since... say... the plane crash. I think that's when - for me - it really turned back around. The addition of Zeljko Ivanek to the show brought an interesting dynamic. Sylar being the sole villain was really getting told, and Ivanek (an Emmy winner) brings a certain amount of downright creepiness to whatever show he is on, be it Damages, True Blood, Big Love, or Heroes. Yes, he's on 4 different shows.

So let's talk about last night. We saw a momentary recap of how last week's ep ended, before plunging in to the fast-paced Stop Sylar plot. By now, Sylar had incapacitated Nathan Petrelli and Danko, and was headed off to meet with the President. All he wanted to do was shake his hand... and in turn, be able to dopplegang in to him. Angela Petrelli had a dream telling her how to stop Sylar and save Nathan, and so she set the wheels turning. Thanks to a set up from Sylar, Danko was incarcerated and shocked to find his cellmate was the man with the Horn-Rimmed Glasses. Noah informed Danko of what was happening and explained how he went 20 years operating in the morally "gray area" when it pertained to the Specials. Suddenly, mid conversation they freeze, and we see that Hiro and Ando have made their way in to Building 26, and freed all the enslaved Specials. Meanwhile, everytime Hiro freezes his time he starts to bleed out of his nose or ears and gets a bad headache - which Mohinder is quick to diagnose is just Hiro's body reacting against the mutation in his jeans. While Noah watches on from a monitor, he doesn't see Danko sneaking up behind him with a syringe full of elephant tranquilizer, but just as Danko goes in for the kill, Hiro pops up behind him and not only snatches the needle away, but pumps it right in to Danko's jugular. Unfortunately, this time freezing causes Hiro to apparently stroke out, and he drops in to Ando's arms.

Cut back to Peter who has found and rescued Nathan. They're heading in to the hotel to find and defeat Sylar, not knowing that he has Claire captive and is looking to make her his eternal love slave. Just as Peter and Nathan reach the room, Claire explodes through the door. Peter and Nathan rush in, knowing Peter just has to get close enough to touch Sylar and steal his power. The doors slam shut, and (my one gripe) we miss out on what appeared to be a very large electric fight. Claire finally gets back in the room, only to see that Nathan has flewn out the window with Sylar. Claire helps Peter to his feet, and they rush off to catch up with Nathan. Cut to Nathan and Sylar landing in a different hotel room - Sylar uses his telekinesis power and puts Nathan in a chair, and then in a shocking turn of events, Sylar uses the same power to slice Nathan's throat clear open, and we're left watching as Nathan Petrelli dies, bled to death from the wound.

Now here's where things got really interesting. Eventually Angela, Noah, and Matt Parkman arrive at the hotel and find Nathan. Sylar is gone, off to meet the President. In order to do this, Sylar kills and morphs in to the President's head advisor and then climbs in the limo - only SURPRISE - when Sylar shakes the President's hand, nothing happens... and that's because the President is actually Peter, who stole Sylar's morphing power in the earlier fight. Before Sylar can react, Peter thrusts a second syringe full of Elephant Tranq up in to Sylar's jaw, and he drops. Back in the hotel room, Angela has a nervous breakdown at the sight of her dead son, and that's when Noah hatches his plan. Now, I'll admit, I'm a little confused how everything went down at this point. We cut to what appears to be a different room now, and find a passed out Sylar on the couch, Angela, Matt Parkman, and Noah look on. Noah and Angela are pleading with Parkman to fix the situation, and we find out that they want Parkman to wipe Sylar's mind clean, and replace it with all the thoughts and memories of Nathan Petrelli. They know that if Nathan has all of Sylar's powers, he'll be unstoppable, but he'll be a good guy.. he'll be Nathan. So Parkman procedes to clean Sylar out and then convince him that he is in fact Nathan Petrelli, and in one final move, Sylar morphs in to Nathan, who wakes up asking for his mom.

So Sylar is gone, and Nathan is back... sort of. The Heroes then all gather around a huge pyre, ala Luke and Darth Vader, as they burn the body of the guy who morphed in to Sylar.. the one Sylar stole the power from. I'm assuming at this point they did this for Claire and Mohinder's benefit. Maybe Peter too? You never get an explanation as to how Sylar ended up back in the hotel room, and you don't know for sure if Peter knows his brother is dead. Claire is most definitely out of the loop, as is Suresh. Nathan promises to make things right and fix what happened with the President. Noah pledges his allegiance, and together they decide to make a new Company. Then, we cut to the 6 weeks in the future. We're in the apartment of some old Building 26 agent, and his apartment is flooded. As he looks at the water in the floor, it suddenly takes the shape of a naked Ali Larter! It appears the Ice Bitch is back, and now she's mastered the control of water. Needless to say, she kills the agent after telling him he's next on a list. Cut to Nathan in his office reading the paper, the story telling of 6 random drownings in the area. Could this be Tracy? Duh... but Nathan doesn't know that. Angela comes to visit, and notes that Nathan is acting a little strange, and thats when he makes his way across the room to a little clock, which he states is a minute and a half off, and it's been driving him crazy. The End.

So what do you guys think? In some ways, the episode felt more like a series finale with the open but resolved end, but at the same time it left open some questions that will hopefully be revealed in the next part of the sage, Redemption.

Monday, April 27, 2009

The Biggest WTF Remake Of All Time: Drop Dead Fred

Yeah uh...

You read that right.

Russell Brand will play the title role of Fred. In the remake to. Drop Dead Fred.

I uh...

I don't really have any words for this, just... yeah I dunno man... I uh.....


Saturday, April 25, 2009

R.I.P. Bea Arthur

Beatrice Arthur, best known as Maude Findlay on "Maude" and as Dorothy Zbornak on the long-running "The Golden Girls," died today. She was 86. It's known that she was battling Cancer. It's always sad to report when any celebrity dies, but when it's someone as legendary as Bea Arthur it's even worse. I won't lie, I love the hell out of The Golden Girls. The show was hilarious and even the reruns you sometimes find on TV are still funny as ever.

Rest in Peace, Bea Arthur. Thanks for all the laughs.

This just reminded me of something. I was looking at a couple other sites and read mentions of this video and then remembered it. Man, I forgot that it even existed. I wonder if I can find this on DVD or something somewhere. Anyways, here's a shot of Bea Arthur when she appeared in the TV version of the Star Wars Holiday Special, circa '79. Look for her behind the bar!

Friday, April 24, 2009

George W. Bush is Making Me Pay for his Penis Pump

So I'm sitting here watching Team America ( Fuck yeah!) on Comedy Central when some commercials come on. I'm pretty numb to the usual Girls Gone Wild and dick pill commercials that come on late at night. I'm glad to know that so many guys are finding help with their male enhancement issues and some dudes even don't care about their size but want better performance. Ok, great. Next thing I know a commercial for a damn penis pump comes on. It's the medically-approved? PosTvac for e.d.

The best part? This old dude tells me it's approved for purchase through Medicare Part D. Nice! in case you don't remember, Medicare Part D is a huge government program that was championed by George W. Bush and quite a few of his good friends, including some of the so-called conservatives that tried to become "leaders" in the "tea party" movement.

So I just thought it was interesting that while everyone is bitching about Obama's spending policies, George W. Bush's legacy will include spending trillions of dollars being The World Police and buying penis pumps from tv commercials.

Rob Zombies Halloween 2 Trailer..... fucks sake....

So uh, yeah.

Rob Zombie proves once again what a hack he is.

Click here to see the trailer for H2!

See it? If you haven't watched yet, go now, then come back. I'll wait...

Alright so, let me get this right. The Halloween remake he did the last time, the first half of it was his own ideas and what not on the original Halloween movie, and then the last half of it was just a complete remake of the original....

And now THIS time, the first half of it is a remake of Halloween 2, with the LAST half being his own take on it.

If you wanna call it that. From what I can tell, "his own take" apparently is the ghost of Michael Myers Mom haunting Michael and telling him to go kill everyone.

Yeah cause.... that idea has NEVER been used..... right Rob?

Is Halloween 3 gonna be about, Michael Myers being dead, and then the only way he can get to them, is by getting into the nightmares of kids?

MySpace Vs. Facebook

MySpace vs. Facebook.

The great debate.

The great debate that, if said debate really matters to you, then you are FUCKING RETARDED.

so G4 is trashing MySpace, even though every faggot on that shitty network HAS BEEN ON MYSPACE AND HAS PROFILES AS WELL. They are praising Facebook for being awesome, and MySpace being lame.

Well guess what.

MySpace, and Facebook, ARE THE SAME GOD DAMN THING.


I never had a Facebook until recently. Mainly because I got a Blackberry recently and it had Facebook on it so I said, fuck it, Ill try it out. And what do I find? MySpace, just with a fucked up layout.

MySpace bashers are the same as Dane Cook haters. They hate the shit that is popular just to seem different and edgy. Shut the fuck up.

Dane Cook is better than you, because he has millions and can fuck tons of chicks, you cant.

Also MySpace is not better than Facebook, and its not worse, because theyre the SAME SHIT.

That is all.

Your Friends And Family. I Will NOT Keep Them In My Thoughts And Prayers. Deal With It.

MySpace is becoming a tad bit annoying.

I sign in, I see bulletins posted by people. And sometimes, they will say this.

"Rachel was in an accident!"

So, the first thought is... who the hell is Rachel? And why am I being informed of this? So I open it up and read. And it just asks me to please, keep her in my thoughts and prayers....

Well uh...

I don't know who this person is.

They don't know who I am.

And how is thinking of them, going to make them better? I don't pray either since I'm not really religious at all. But I know that wouldn't help either.

The people that post those bulletins, need help. They're asking me to keep some random stranger in my thoughts and prayers. Well guess what, there are literally MILLIONS of people out there, who are also in the hospital, and those bulletin posters aren't keeping them in their thoughts and prayers. So why would they expect me to?

Anyways, I posted a bulletins on MySpace, basically stating what I posted above. And I was attacked for it by the original poster. I would post what harsh words they spewed my way about how I was such a mean person and I was rude, but I can't access MySpace right now.

But the funny thing is, this person who posted it, who called me rude, is also the SAME person, who at one point, needed a job. I gave her the info, and she got a job here at my work. Well 4 days before her 90th day at work, which would also be when I get a $400 bonus for referring her, she up and quit out of the blue. Well whatever, I didn't name call or go nuts at her. Anyways skip to a couple months later, same person is back posting about how she needs a job...... yeah...

Anyways, my job is looking, so I get her her old job back. LESS THAN A WEEK LATER. She up and quits, AGAIN.

Now who is more rude? Me for not keeping a stranger in my thoughts. Or her, for being a dumbass and quitting a job that someone kindly gave to her, twice.

Anyways, to people out there that post these messages all over asking everyone to keep someone in their thoughts, just don't. Keep it to yourself and your friends and family who actually KNOW this person. Stop blogging and posting bulletins about it.

Because, if you cared that much, maybe you should be there at the hospital at their side, instead of posting on MySpace.

Thursday, April 23, 2009

Pregnant Women Shouldn't Host TV Shows

I don't know if I'm just old-fashioned, but I don't want to see pregnant women working on tv. They should be home doing whatever it is that they do. I was reading the Big Brother Blog earlier today. I saw that a pregnant Julie Chen will host Big Brother 11.

Why? Is she trying to prove a point? I get it. A career woman can have kids and still do her job. But it's not like hosting a reality show is a serious gig. This isn't a single mother or career driven lady trying to put food on the table. This is a lady who hosts reality shows and is married to the fucking boss. And they are going to have a kid who will probably grow up wondering why his dad is old enough to be his great grandfather and why mommy leaves him with strangers so she can go interview sluts on TV.

But honestly, who cares about all that anyway? My main problem is I just don't want to see some pregnant lady on television. Can't they get Mark Walhberg to fill-in or something? Or at least some unemployed television personality who needs the work and isn't married to Les Moonves? I watch Big Brother to see hot young broads with big tits, not huge boob bloated pregnant ladies.

Today in: Unnecessary Reboots!

Robert Rodriguez announced at a press conference earlier today in Texas:

“I’m going to be able to shoot my upcoming Machete here, a sci-fi action film called Nervewrackers, a re-boot of the Predator series called Predators, and a couple of smaller movies called Sin City 2 and The Jetsons.”

The title being "Predators" gives the idea that the movie will involve more than one of the creatures. Filming will unfortunately be done at 20th Century FOX and this was the original rumored pitch for the film:

“a team of commandos face down a mysterious race of vicious monsters.”

I'm all for Sin City 2 and even a live action Jetsons sounds awesome, but do we really need a Predators reboot? Especially considering they still make AvP movies!

Wolverine Workprint / Final Print Differences?

So like everyone on the planet knows, some weeks ago Wolverine leaked and everyone saw it. It was an unfinished copy with most effects and music missing from it, but that didn't stop people from seeing it.

Along comes Fox telling everyone all over that, it is a workprint, missing many scenes from the movie, and the workprint was months old and much has changed.

So what changed exactly? A scooper over at spilled the beans on what is in the final print that is changed from the workprint...


Apparently Fox lied to save its own ass, and the shitty movie many saw in the workprint, is in fact the final version of the film. Oh well..... here is the official word from

Sometimes there are clauses prohibiting us from writing about a movie before a certain date ("embargo"). But this was different: we had to sign a clause that we wouldn't even TALK about the movie until two days prior to its US release, especially on the web. I found that quite odd.

Add to that recent reports that the finished version is as long as the leaked workprint, even though FOX stubbornly insists that the workprint is missing the material from the reshoots. It makes sense, too, as the trailers have scenes that are not featured in the workprint (Wolverine carrying his girlfriend to the beach, a young Ororo in Nigeria).

Well, having seen the finished film, the mystery is solved: the workprint version IS in fact identical to the release print, sans effect and some audio work. It's obvious that FOX is trying their darndest to keep this news from getting out, because it will eliminate most of the motivation for people who have seen the workprint to pay for a ticket.

Some scenes from the trailer are not in the finished version, either.

The finished effects are lackluster, to say the least - some really bad CGI work made me groan numerous times (especially, but not restricted to, Patrick Stewart's cameo). The scene with Stewart looks so much better in the workprint - trying to digitally de-age him did NOT work this time around...

Good pacing, good lead performances, and some cool comic book fights overcome a non-existing story, horrible dialog (including the classic "I'm so cold..."), and criminally underdeveloped characters. It's a fun flick, but it will never be considered one of the great comic book movies of our time (like Iron Man, Dark Knight, Watchmen, etc.). They also have to jump through some ridiculous hoops to reset all the relationships to properly connect it to the first "X-Men" movie (unnecessary, I think - who seriously gives a shit?).

New Live Action Ninja Turtles Movie In 2011!!!!

Holy god damn YES.

Today officially kicks off the 25th Anniversary "Shell"-ebration of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Complete with a screening of the original movie at the Tribeca Film Fest, as well as the Empire State Building being lit up in nothing but green tonight. But then the bombshell came....

A new live action movie is headed our way. The only sour note on this is that it's a prequel. Meh.... come on. We don't need a prequel. Everyone that knows the turtles, knows where they came from, how they got here, and how it all went down. We knew it from day one and were reminded once again in the first movie.

But fuck it, if that is the only way we can get some new Ninja Turtles, fine by me! I was the biggest damn Ninja Turtle fan on the planet as a kid. Bed sheets, pajamas, shirts, posters, figures, cookies, VHS tapes, cereal, posters, standees, if it had Ninja Turtles on it, I owned that shit.

No actors or directors or writers are on board yet, just a slew of Executive Producers from 300 and the upcoming Where The Wild Things Are.

Also if you're scratching your head as to the 25 years and thinking, wow has it really been that long? They're not celebrating the 25th anniversary of the movies or cartoons but the Ninja Turtles in general when they first debuted in comic book form, which will serve as the source material for the prequel movie.

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Movies With No Ending. Enough Already!

I am gonna spoil a few movies here, so deal with it.

I am sick to got damn death, of great movies, just randomly ENDING. Leaving the viewer hanging, and doing the whole....


Case in point, THE WRESTLER.

Great movie, FANTASTIC, was LOVING it, then.... BLACK SCREEN



Why? What is the god damn point?!?! LEAVE IT UP TO THE VIEWER TO DECIDE WHAT HAPPENED! Fuck you. Then what is the point of even watching in the first place??! If I coulda just made it all up on my own, then why bother watching it?!?

I spend 30 dollars to buy a Blu Ray. I want a MOVIE. That means a STORY. That means A FUCKING ENDING. I don't want to finish the movie, then turn into Mr Joe Creative, and decide my own ending. If I wanted to do that I would read a CHOOSE YOUR OWN ADVENTURE book.

This is the dumbest shit in the history of movies. Worse than remakes, worse than shitty sequels. Not giving great movies an ending and leaving it up to the audience. NO ONE WANTS THAT. NO ONE. People want endings.




Yeah, just like that. Imagine if every fucking movie did that. No one would wanna bother watching movies.

I give The Wrestler a negative 5 stars for Aronofsky being a lazy fucker that couldn't come up with an ending so he just didn't bother to have one.

Heh..... heh.... heh.. heh.. hehhehehehe.

Oh man. I don't know or care how old this is. It's hilarious.

Monday, April 20, 2009

Yes. I Know Today Is 4-20. Shut Up.

Good lord, back in high school, at the tender age of 16, all idiots would go on about is 4-20. Goin to get high and smoke some weed! And all I could think was, wow, how gay is that? Why do you celebrate 1 day out of the year to do something you do almost, every day out of the year? It's like if I was giving out Christmas presents every day of the year and then on 12-25 just went CRAZY about it.

It's annoying. People that lose their minds about 4-20 are even more annoying. But what is even WORSE are people in their god damn 20s 30s and 40s that are crazy about it. Really people? I mean it's not even a drug anymore. It's easier for kids to buy it than it is for them to get beer. So what the hell is the big deal?

One thing that is really annoying is Kevin Smith today. Now I am a huge Kevin Smith fan, have been for many many years. But following him on Twitter has become pretty damn annoying today with his constant posts about BLAZING UP and GET YOUR BLAZE ON! ITS 4-20! Really guy? How old are you? Twitter is flooded with people going crazy about today. And has made me click the REMOVE button on many people I was following, including one Kevin Smith.

Fact is, today is the most annoying day out of the year. I love to drink beer but do I go nuts on St. Patricks Day? No. People that worship smoking and getting high and getting their BLAZE on are pretty god damn lame and have some serious growing up to do. You know who those people remind me of? If you were a huge fan of a band, that weren't really well known, or on any major labels, and not on huge tours, but then got signed and became HUGE and all of a sudden it's fan base grew from a few thousand to millions and everywhere you go are people with the band shirts on and they go on and on about how they've been a fan for YEARS but you know they weren't. Yeah, that's who these people are that think today is the greatest day of the year.

Maybe instead of being dipshits, you should realize that Columbine happened 10 years ago today. And changed the way every kid grew up and how it basically stripped all of us of most freedom and free speech we had left in schools. No time for that, BLAZE UP IDIOTS!

Saturday, April 18, 2009

If you use the word "natch" then you are a tool.

I managed to get by for probably about 6 months of seeing people use the word "natch" in online conversations and comments before I finally caved in and looked it up to see what it meant. I was surprised to find it means Naturally. Now, here's where I get annoyed.. how much harder is it to type out "naturally" instead of "natch". It's like 4 key strokes. Not hard. Then, there's the matter of Naturally not being pronounced Natchurally... at least not if said properly. My point is, people who comment on blogs on the internet (not talking about here) and people who hold coversations on message boards are people who I tend to want to eliminate.

It's one thing to post on message boards and have conversations about reasonable things and share information... but why the hell do people feel this inane necessity to shorten words that don't need to be shortened? I don't understand it! Why can't you just type out the whole word?

Then there's the other thing about these same people that annoys the shit out of me. If you ever want to see a sorry excuse of a bunch of humans, go read the comments on news stories, or on's stories. These people ... jesus christ ... they all argue about TV shows on like it's the fucking God's hand-written testimony. Don't even think about coming in and cracking a one-liner or disagreeing, because next thing you know they're all going on about how you're an awful human being. Some guy cracked a joke about Susan Boyle and next thing you know there's like 100 comments calling him a demon. on the other hand, is primarily a commenting spot for the old and republican. Don't you dare go on that site with a liberal or democrat ideology, for you will be burned at the stake and left for dead. They do not play around... except for when it's a nice look back at the Bush Administration. If that's posted, they're all just as happy as clams, natch.

Friday, April 17, 2009

Who doesn't want a bacon gun??

You may have seen these pictures pop up over the internet over the last couple days, same as me, and you probably felt the same mouthwatery desire that I did. However, once I tore my gaze away from that delicious looking artillery, I realized that the dude in the foreground was an old friend of mine, Nick!

Turns out Nick and his buddies spent 8 hours the other day building this AK-47 out of pure bacon, and like any other unusual bacon treat it quickly caught fire on the internet. Check out these pics of Nick and his BA-K47 and then check out his blog too!

Thursday, April 16, 2009

Why Is Rob Zombie So Fucking Stupid?

God damn Rob Zombie. I try so hard to like the guy but he keeps saying and doing stupid shit, here is the latest quote from Rob Zombie about Halloween 2, or, H2...

"Although you've asked over five hundred questions many of them are the same questions over and over. So here's the answer to the first question that keeps getting asked.

"Is this movie a remake of Halloween 2 ?"

The answer is no. This movie has nothing to do with the movie that came out back in 1981. The only thing slightly the same is my film has a brief hospital scene
at the top of the film and even that is 100% different. These are all new characters and all new situations. This is not a remake of a sequel, this is the continuing story of the Halloween I started. So hopefully that clears up that confusion."


Let us break this down...

This movie has nothing to do with the movie that came out back in 1981.


The only thing slightly the same is my film has a brief ho
spital scene at the top of the film

Soooooooo, then how does this movie have NOTHING to do with the original Halloween 2... when in fact, there is something that has to do with the original Halloween 2?

and even that is 100% different.

Halloween 2 = Hospital. YOUR Halloween 2 = Hospital. That is not 100%. Maybe 80%

These are all new characters and all new situations.

Well no shit all new characters everyone pretty much died in the first movie Rob. NEW situations. Lets see... original sequel = people being killed in a hospital. Your sequel = people being killed in a hospital. Yep, totally new situations.

This is not a remake of a sequel,

Didn't you say that kinda about the first Halloween, that it wasn't a remake but your own vision and then it wound up being almost a dead on remake?

this is the continuing story of the Halloween I started.

Kinda how... the first Halloweens sequel is a continuing story of the Halloween that Carpenter started?

So hopefully that clears up that confusion.

No. It doesn't Rob. You are retarded.

And this is the best part....... after stating all that he then says CHECK OUT THIS AWESOME PIC FROM THE HOSPITAL SCENE!
Wow. Doesn't look like the original sequel at all. That is totally 100% different!

Fuck you, Jamie Foxx. You too, Billy Bob Thornton.

I don't like Jamie Foxx. Plain and simple. Never have. The guy is an OKAY actor, not great, definitely not amazing. I saw Ray, it was OKAY. Yeah, he sounded like Ray Charles when he sang. The acting... eh, didn't do it for me. I kinda liked that movie he did with Tom Cruise, but that's only because Tom Cruise was bad ass in that movie. I don't even remember what it was called? Collateral Damage? Or was that the Arnold Schwarzenegger movie? Anyway, every time I see Jamie Foxx on an award show (why was he at the Country Music Awards???) he is promoting himself. He comes up to present, and he goes on for like 3 or 4 minutes about himself, his new album that's out, he'll crack a couple race jokes (ala CMA's where he cracked jokes about being a black guy at the awards, regardless of Damien Rucker's nomination) and then he'll promote a new movie, and then announce an award. Now there's this whole thing with him talking shit about Miley Cyrus. Whatever. Who cares if he thinks Miley has big gums? The bitch does! But now he is apologizing all over the place, saying how he was wrong, and he's a Christian and should set a better example. Yes, this is the same guy who immediately thanks God when he wins awards (he doesn't deserve) is the same guy that talks shit about 16 year old teenage girls on the radio. So bottomline, I'm sick of fucking Jamie Foxx stinking everything up. His music sucks, his movies are whack, and the guy is a douche.

Billy Bob Thornton. I used to think you were the fucking man. Then you went to Canada and turned in to a huge pussy. Where's the Billy Bob Thornton that fucked chicks in limos on the way to the Oscar... no not just chicks, but ANGELINA dude! You were getting the hottest ass on the planet at the time. Now, you're boo hooing because some Canadian dude mentioned on his radio show that you were an actor, even though you were there to promote your lousy band... in which you are a DRUMMER. What's even worse is, you were pissed because the guy didn't stick to the scripted points you gave him pre-interview. You were mad because he went on to an unapproved topic. What kind of douche goes on public radio, and tries to dictate what the interviewer can and can not talk about? Then, it hits an uproar, everyone starts freaking out about it, and what do you do Billy? You pull out of the rest of the tour and cancel and go back home to California. That makes you a huge pussy, just so you know. You Billy Bob - the man who once put his dick in Angelina Jolie and got naked with Halle Berry - you have become a huge fucking tool.

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Tea Bagger Idiots Suck George W. Bush Cock

Alright, it's fucking Tax Day. April 15th. 2009. A lot of people are having tax day "Tea Party" protests. A lot of these people are principled libertarians, small government Constitutionalists, consistent tax protestors, etc.

But I think most of them are fucking idiots. I'm talking about the George W. Bush "conservatives" who had no problem if the Republican administration wanted to waste trillions of dollars on stupid bullshit. Where the fuck were these people the last 8 years when George Bush earned the reputation of being the biggest spender in the White House over the last 40+ years?

Yet all of a sudden because Obama is elected everyone opposes "socialism"?

Where the fuck did these people come from? I'm talking about idiots like this guy Marcus C. Jackson, a Republican terrorist who posts here.

I'm talking about the lady I just saw on the news who was there with her 2 year old because she wanted him to know how the spending policies of "this adminstration" were going to ruin his future. Presumably she doesn't give a fuck if her son gets sent off and blown to pieces in Iraq or Afghanistan, but if he ends paying taxes his life is ruined.

I do have some good news for this bitch, though. You and your son probably won't have to worry about it anyway. Obama isn't raising taxes on the guys who ask " Do you want fries with that?". People who lack the intellectual capacity to be aware of anything that has actually happened in the world probably aren't prime candidates for hedge funds. Or maybe they are.

The Devon Lohan Message Boards Return

We are once again attempting this message board thing.

Click here to go and sign up and start building the Devon Lohan Community.

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Jessica Biel Is Not Hot. She Is Queen Butterface!

I don't understand what the big deal is about Jessica Biel. Seriously. She has a bad case of Butterface. And as for her body, it's fuckin average. On top of that, the movies she is in blow. So what is the big damn deal? Seriously.Now the body is lookin alright. She has some pretty sweet love handles goin on. But her face? WTF? I just don't get the obsession some guys have over her. No thanks. I think on the top list of celebs I would give anything to be with, she would rank far beyond the 100 mark. Blargh.

For those of you that think Jessia is actually hot, check out Jessica Biel nude at

Only Thing Worse Than Bad Drivers... Bad Parkers

Alright, I can never, and will never understand how someone on a freeway gets into an accident.

It is one, continuous straight road. Where everyone is supposed to go the same speed. There should be no reason for an accident.

So this morning, I drop my nephew off late at school, and I gotta go into the office to sign him in, there is 1 parking spot left, I go to pull into it and.....Really? Come the fuck on people. There are two giant white lines that help you know EXACTLY where to park so you're not a foot into the other space making it impossible for someone without a motorcycle or one of those faggy smart cars to park there.

Anyways, I drop him off get him signed in all that good shit and head off to work. I pull into the parking lot and go to park in the front area so I can avoid the trek across the parking lot and what do I see.....Mother fucking REALLY?! Two fuckhead parking jobs in less than an hour. Now, there is no giant white line here, there is but its faded as fuck, but even still, I have seen people in dirt lots that know how to park properly. Right next to another car, about 2 feet away.

This is not science people. Learn to fucking park, or I will begin to take matters into my own hands.

How To Smoke Smarties. A Lesson In Bad Parenting.

So you might have came here because you are searching the new hot trend in schools. Smoking Smarties.

For those not IN, or on the DL, or got the 411....

Kids these days are literally taking the candy Smarties, grinding them up, and smoking them.


Yes, I am serious.

A news report I read this morning goes on to talk about kids in schools even snorting the grinded up Smarties. To that I say...

What are you? Retarded?

Look this is another example of bad parenting. When I was a kid, the cool thing to do was snort pixie sticks. I never once did, because I wasn't a fucking idiot. I would see people at my school doing it, then getting a bloody nose and running away crying. And the same is now happening with Smarties. Kids are doing it, and coughing and getting infections in their nose. Do they get any type of high of good feeling from it? No. It's impossible to. And this is where the bad parenting comes in.

The most important rule parents should teach their children from day one of their life on earth is to NOT BE A FUCKING IDIOT. DO NOT, GO OUTSIDE, GRAB CANDY FROM YOUR TRICK R TREAT BAG, GRIND IT UP AND SNORT IT. STUPID.

So if you searched on how to do this, and are wondering what is up with the title and this article since nothing here tells you how to do it. I will tell you how to do it, just so the title and article go together.

Go outside, take your Smarties, and get a hammer. Go to the sidewalk, set the Smarties on the grind, then take your hammer AND BASH YOURSELF IN THE FUCKING HEAD. BECAUSE IF YOU ARE STUPID ENOUGH, TO SNORT GOD DAMN HALLOWEEN CANDY, THEN YOU SHOULD NOT BE USING UP THE GOD DAMN OXYGEN ON THIS PLANET.

Thank you.

Goddamn Fox News IS BAD for YOU!

I've said it once, I've said it a thousand times, FOX NEWS is bad for your health! Here's proof! This poor shmuck can't even go on Fox News as a guest commentator without falling out!

And fucking Glen Beck, I'm surprised he didn't faint right next to him!

Monday, April 13, 2009

Punch Out Wii Teaser Trailer!

So, I had to go use a friends computer to post this because I ruined my keyboard from jizzing all over it while watching this complete awesomeness.

Skylar Deleon Is Not A Fucking STAR Or Even An Actor.

All over the news I see FORMER CHILD STAR, FORMER CHILD ACTORS, POWER RANGERS STAR..Skylar Deleon gets death penatly.

You know what? No one gives a flying fuck. No one.

This guy, is not an actor.

He is not a star.

This is his filmography, ok, you ready?

Power Rangers. Bit Part. 1 Episode.

That is fucking IT.


Fucks sake I hate the god damn fucking news. I read the headlines and I'm like, OH FUCK TOMMY IS GONNA DIE?!?! WTF?!!?

No, just some dude, that had zero acting career.

Fuck off.

RIP Marilyn Chambers

Former porn star, Marilyn Chambers, has died at the young age of 57. AVN released a statement saying Marilyn "was found dead yesterday inside of her trailer in Santa Clarita, California by her daughter. The cause of death isn't known right now, but an autopsy will be performed."

Marilyn Chambers was the star of one of the most legendary porn films of all-time,Behind the Green Door. Behind the Green Door was the first hardcore pornographic movie widely released in the United States. Directed by the Mitchell brothers and starring Marilyn Chambers as Gloria Saunders, the movie depicts her abduction to a sex theater, where she is forced to perform various sexual acts with multiple partners in front of masked audience members. The Mitchell brothers appear in the film as her kidnappers. In a psychedelic and colorful key sequence, an ejaculation on Chambers' face is shown with semen flying through the air for seven minutes.

Marilyn Chambers was also one of the only girls who could fully deepthroat the late John Holmes. She was also the first porn star to completely shave her private areas.

Condolences to the family and friends of Marilyn Chambers. I'd say why we'd all remember her... but I think it's obvious.

Thursday, April 9, 2009

Jim Ross Makes A Joke About Heath Ledger At Wrestlemania

So Wrestlemania 25 was this past weekend.

Out comes Rey Mysterio wearing a mask and outfit that resembles Heath Ledgers "The Joker" from The Dark Knight.

The on air commentators, Jim Ross, and Jerry The King Lawler, comment on it.....

Jerry asks if Rey is paying tribute to Ledger by wearing the outfit. In which Jim Ross, I dunno, I think he attempted a joke and said...

"At least Reys career is alive and well."

Really JR?

I mean REALLY?

Hey, ya know what? This morning I was driving to work, and my friend was in the car with us, and we saw a fat fuck standing on the sidewalk wearing a cowboy hat, and my friend says "Hey look it's good ol JR!" In which I replied "Yeah but at least this guys mouth fucking works and he can see out of both eyes and I bet this guy can call proper wrestling matches instead of calling a simple body slam a suplex and has a fully functional brain"

Funny huh? Man I am a CUT UP!

JR, just retire already. Take Lawler with you, his giddy bouncey fanboy act is annoying as shit.

Also, JR has since said he is sorry for the joke. Read on...

"Heath Ledger fans took me to task about my poor choice of words during Rey Mysterio's entrance at WM25 and for good reason. I had something else I wanted to say in reference to Rey's attire and I fumbled. My bad. My attempt to make a topically, funny remark came out wrong but it's on me. Sometimes on live TV things are said that one would like to have back but when one works without a net that's what occasionally happens. Nonetheless I am sorry for offending any of you with my remarks."

An attempt to make a funny remark, about a dead actor who is beloved by millions.....

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

The Fall Of The Phoenix Suns: Thank You Steve Kerr

Ever since I was a small boy, I loved the Phoenix Suns. My older brother was a die hard Suns fan, and he got me hooked on it as a kid. I remember the days of the Madhouse on McDowell. And I remember the mighty day, that one Charles Barkley came to Phoenix.

I watched that season as the Suns went 62-20. And made it to the NBA Finals. That season, Easter day, 1993, was the day I went to my first Suns game. It was the most exciting day of my life, my brother took me and the Suns beat the Utah Jazz to capture the Pacific Division title. Sadly, sitting in the hospital room where my Dad had just undergone triple bypass surgery, I watched as John Paxson rose up, and launched a wide open 3, ending the season, and destroying championship dreams.

After that season, all hope was lost, there were many years of heartbreak to follow, it was almost a decade later, when hope returned.

2004 - 2005, Steve Nash, returned to Phoenix, and joined rookie of the year Amare Stoudemire, and Shawn Marion, and the Suns, once again, went 62-20. The best record in the NBA. It was then that Championship dreams returned. Sadly, injuries plagued the Suns in the Playoffs, and after making it to the Western Conference Finals, the Suns lost to the Spurs.

I was destroyed. But, was happy to see that the team would return the following season, with all players together to just get stronger.

2005 - 2006, The year of the Championship? Could have been. Before the season even started, Amare Stoudemire underwent surgery to his knee, and missed all but three games that season. Without the star forward, the Suns entered the Playoffs and fell 3-1 against the Lakers. But, a miracle happened. Two miracles, their names? Raja Bell and Tim Thomas. Brought the Suns back, and the Suns eliminated the lakers, 4-3. The Suns then went on, and made it to the Conference Finals once again, only to lose to the Mavericks, and once again, be haunted my injuries. The season was over, just shy of a NBA Finals appearance once again.

2006 - 2007, The Suns were the favorites to win the NBA Title this season. Back and stronger than ever with Amare in full force, the Suns were back. And headed for glory... That is until the biggest incident in NBA Playoff history. The San Antonio Screw Job. With seconds left in a Suns victory, Robert Horry checked Steve Nash into the scorers table, they got into each others faces, and Amare and Boris left the bench area to help calm the fight down. But in return, Amare and Boris were suspended the following game for leaving the bench area. How is that a screw job you ask? Tim Duncan also left the bench area. And with that simple suspension over nothing, the Suns lost, and this time, just shy of the Western Finals, they were elminated by the Spurs, in the Semi Finals.

That summer. Summer of 2007. Steve Kerr took over as General Manager of the Phoenix Suns.

And during that season, the biggest trade of all time happened. Took me back to the day I heard Barkley was on the way. The Suns had traded the player I hated the most, Marion, to Miami, for SHAQ. Shaq was brought in for the soul purpose of kicking the crap out of the Spurs, and finally catching the NBA Title. Shaq was in the stands before his debut, stood up, and pointed to his finger. The crowd went crazy. Critics got all over Shaq for being too old, he said it was making him upset, and when he gets upset, hes known to do things, like win championships.... Hey wait a minute, take a look at that picture, what finger is he pointing at?

The Suns were eliminated in the first round of the playoffs. By the Spurs. 4-1.

Confusion struck, no one knew what to do. My heart hurt. I thought for sure the Suns would finally destroy the Spurs in the playoffs. And yet, nothing.

Shaq laid down some mighty bold words, saying that the next season, the Suns would not be elminated in the first round. He promised, garaunteed it.

And in a way, he was right, the Suns won't be eliminated from the first round, because, there is no first round. The Suns went from Conference Finals appearances, to Semi Finals, to First Round, to not even making the Playoffs. This is the first time in 16 years, that Shaq will not make the playoffs. So what was the main problem besides Shaqs LIES?

Steve Kerr.

All was well, Steve Kerr came along, and suddenly, things went to crap. Complete crap. The Shaq trade was a bad idea now that everyone thinks about it. And the trade earlier this season, sending away Raja Bell and Boris Diaw, was even worse. Not bringing back the coach that brought the Suns from no playoffs to conference finals and bringing in a coach that destroyed it all. Steve Kerr has single handedly dismantled and destroyed the Phoenix Suns.

This summer, Nash, and Shaq, will probably be traded. And the Suns will be back to having to rebuild, and waiting possibly another decade, before they are back on top.

R.I.P. Run and Gun Phoenix Suns.

Movela: Netflix Queue Manager Blackberry App Review

So I recently got a Blackberry which I love oh so very much.

Another thing I love oh so very much is Netflix.

Word came out that a queue manager application would be coming out for the Blackberry App Store, and I got all kinds of happy.

It was $2.99 cents to get this little application onto my phone. I dreamed of being able to browse movie titles, and add them to my queue at ease! And have glorious fun with it.

Well guess what, my dream turned into waking up in the middle of the night having to crap really bad....

I got this on my phone and instantly was annoyed to see the the ugly interface, which looked EXACTLY like the FREE netflix application that you can download. I thought spending the extra couple bucks would mean it would look sleek and be easy to use. Oh and browsing movie titles? Forget about it. You can only search movie titles. But once you find that movie title you want to add.... Good luck on adding it to your queue.

First you find the movie you want, there is no button that says ADD TO QUEUE, you have to open up your menu and select add to queue. Then you are taken to a screen where you enter in the number at which you want this movie in your queue to be put at. So I put 1. Cause I want this movie to be the next one shipped to me. UPLOAD FAILED. What? I'm not uploading anything I just wanna add-- UPLOAD FAILED. I think, hmmm odd. I go to my queue. No movie there.

Well that is about where the use of this application ended for me. $2.99 down the drain. So if you are thinking about getting this on your Blackberry DON'T DO IT! It's impossible to add a movie, the interface is ugly and is hard to navigate through. Just don't do it. Use the Netflix mobile site instead. Or just seek out the free netflix managers.

I rate this application one big huge fat F.

Enjoy that $2.99 Movela, that is the last of my money you will be getting.

Netflix, Inc.

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

Dear Eric Schmidt, I'd Rather Take a Shit with my Laptop

It should be obvious to most people that the newspaper industry is dying. Deservedly so. Maybe they will be stimulated for being "too big fail." It seems to work for everything else.

Dinosaurs become extinct. Life changes. Businesses evolve or die. At one point I'm sure there were many buggy whip makers. Horse shoes sold like hot cakes, probably before hot cakes even sold at all. There used to be thousands and thousands of telephone operators- when long distance phone calls cost dollars, not pennies, per minute.

What's my point? Well I was reading this article ( Google CEO Sees newsppaer future in Advertising)on Yahoo Finance. Google CEO Eric Schmidt was speaking at the Newspaper Association of America. He was supposedly giving "ideas" to newspapers and magazines. They obviously don't have any of their own. One "idea" mentioned was a sort of Wikipedia for medicine that would let users edit it. Too bad that's been done many times before ( and those wikis have been around for years) and does not actually quailify as an idea.

Some of his other comments regarding newspapers just seemed like he was ass kissing the newspaper publishers. Maybe he was sincere. I don't know. To me it comes off a little patronizing.

He is right about many things, such as the need for quality advertising. However I really don't get this one:

"From my perspective, the online experience can be thought of as terrible compared to what I view as this wonderful experience with magazines and newspapers," Schmidt said."


It is entirely possible he is only talking about the internet experience on mobile phones here and advocating better mobile technology, but it's hard to tell from the article. Thanks AP!

Is the CEO of Google really calling the online experience "terrible" and print media "wonderful?"

And what exactly is this "experience?" In my experience people do most of their reading on the toilet. I would much rather take a shit with my laptop than any news paper or magazine. It may not be the most convenient thing to carry in the bathroom and setup, but it beats the paper any day. I don't need a small ass mobile phone.

Let me Tell you Something About Newspapers:

I don't hate newspapers at all. I love(d) them. I used to read multiple newspapers every day, and I had many magazine subscriptions. I read the paper more than anyone I knew. When we got free papers at work I was often the only person reading them. I would read anything at any time. I took advantage of all discount magazine subscriptions and professional rates from Forbes, the Wall Street Journal, and so on. I read dailies, weeklies, locals, regionals, sports and business specialties, you get the picture.

But I have barely read a newspaper in years. I read a couple niche industry magazines and that's about it.


Internet > Print Media

It's not even close. I read for information, stimulation, curiosity. I want to develop knowledge, be provoked to investigate things further.

Print Media is highly filtered and biased. I don't mean a "liberal" bias or a "conservative" bias. But they obviously have an agenda. Serving corporate masters is a big part of it. Access to the political class and bureacrats is a high priority. Publishers know where their bread is buttered.

News papers don't break stories that really matter to people. No, that happens on the internet. Investigative Journalism? Bloggers do a better job and actually follow up. Bloggers Save Lives. Print Journalists Serve Masters.

Print Media is Slow. We live in a 24 Hour World.

Ted Turner understood this when he launched CNN. We used to have a daily newspaper and nightly news. Now there are several 24 Hour news channels and the broadcast networks all have several newscasts per day, "up to the minute" updates, morning news, noon news, 4am news,etc.

The Internet is 24 hours. I can check Google News at any time. If I want to know who won the game I can find out right away. I can even follow along online.

There will always be people who don't trust what they read "on the internet" and prefer the paper. That's OK. They will die off, just like the newspapers.

Why trust the paper? In my eyes print media has lost a lot of credbility in recent years. There is a lot of garbage and low quality content on the internet for sure, but there is also far more quality content and information. Newspapers have "editorial" constraints. They kill stories that don't please their backers. In many cases their editorial policy is completely controlled by local bureacrats and corrupt politicians or other community "leaders." They work for the political class at the expense of "regular" people. The information presented is strongly filtered.

For the most part, Print Media is about the consolidation of power and the status quo. Print journalists enjoy their status and the protectionism afforded by their "credentials." They are good at presenting false dilemmas and the illusion of A or B "choices." Print Media ignores or erases important facts and participants from stories. They blame it on lack of resources and limited column inches. That doesn't happen on the internet. You get the full story. You may get multiple versions and some false stories, but you will find the full story.

If 4 political candidates participate in a debate, your local paper will probably have a story titled something like " Candidate A Debates Candidate B." Candidates C and D aren't mentioned. They are probably even cropped out of or simply erased from pictures. If they are mentioned at all, it's " Mr. B and Mr. C were also present", preceeded by 2 pages of fawning over Mr. A and Mr. B. Most likely Candidates A and B essentially agree on 90% of all issues. B and C present the only alternative positions or any nuance whatsoever, but the paper ingores their existence. Why? "Bloggers" don't do this. And that's why corrupt politicians hate bloggers. I guess they aren't bought off like "reputable" journalists.

Many news papers deliver a shitty product. If the market rejects that product, I consider that justice.

Do newspapers deserve to die? I'm sure some do. That's life. Many can survive if they really want to. It may not be in their present form and they will have cuts and layoffs. Perhaps they have strong brands that can translate to other forms of media or entirely new business models. Maybe the printed paper becomes a marketing tool to drive traffic to their websites, where the real content exists and the real money is made ( if they know what they are doing). They could explore different subscription models and levels. Offer free web content with premium access for subscribers, PDF-only paper delivery options, hybrid paper/premium online subscriptions. Encourage community participation. Have blogs ( real ones have comments), forums, wikis,etc. Don't shut out valuable contributions due to arbitrary "credentials." Investigate stories- don't be the de facto PR firm for the local government. Good journalists can make it online. They can make it anywhere. Get clients to transfer their advertising to your websites. Be creative. Give them value. If car dealers, realtors, plumbers, and roofers are buying ads in your paper, sell them targeted internet ads. Show them value and make money. If you don't know, ask somebody. That's what we do "on the internet."

But don't blame the internet for killing your business. You did a good enough job of that yourselves.

In the meantime if I want to read something, I'm using the net. Everything is there, ( mostly) unfiltered. If I want to know who won the game, my town council election results in real-time, driving directions to my son's friend's birthday party, recipes for dinner tonight, how to fix my garbage disposal, it's all there. The most I can expect out of a newspaper is occasionally learning about something to research online later.

By the way, I just found a local contractor for a home repair. Did I find him in the local paper? No. Yellow Pages? No. Geo-targeted Google Ads. If the local paper had any clue what they were doing, those ad dollars could have been theirs. The revenue is there, especially when you figure out you don't need all the overhead.

Friday, April 3, 2009

You know what pisses me off?

Those fucking ads on websites that scream 'CONGRATULATIONS YOU JUST WON A FREE APPLE IPOD JUST CLICK ON THIS AD AND FILL OUT THE FORM ON THE NEXT SCREEN' while I'm listening to iTunes with the volume up loud. Cuz the music is loud sure, but that fucking shit is like 10 times louder. And then you click on the ad, and do you actually think for a second you're gonna win an ipod? You're a fucking idiot if you fall for that shit. So fuck you ipod ad people.

That's almost as stupid as watching a downloaded version of Wolverine and then bitching that it sucks, when it's missing 10 minutes of key plot scenes and all the CGI and music that goes in to the movie. Yeah real fucking stupid.

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Hannah Montana The Movie Trailer

So if you are wondering, "what, the fuck?!"


Posted on Twitter earlier today..
- I'm not gonna lie, that new Hannah Montana movie appeals to me.

Waits for Devon to post that he only posted that as an April Fools joke...