Friday, February 13, 2009

Review: Friday The 13th

Jason, Michael, Freddy. I grew up with these guys. Seen their movies hundreds of times. So going into this, I was a little bit excited I guess. See with Halloween, there is a plot, a story, characters, things going on that wouldn't warrant a remake, but a continuation. With Friday the 13th, there isn't really any story or characters anymore, just cows being lead into a slaughter house of Jason Voorhees. So a remake isn't a bad thing, cause even this movie you could watch and come up with your own conclusion that it's not even a remake, but just another story. So I am fine with that. So let's get goin shall we?

The Story: Who gives a fuckin shit, some girl went missing when Jason killed all her friends boohoo and now her brother is looking for blah blah blah blah whatever.

Characters: There are about 15 people or so in this movie. You want every single one of them to die. They're the cliche drunk stoner annoying airhead idiotic bullfuck characters you would expect. I am fine with that.

See after 11 movies, if you are a seasoned horror movie watcher like me, you KNOW when Jason is coming, you know who is going to die, you know when they're going to die. Which is no big deal because well, it is always fun to see what kinda ways Jason comes up with to off people. Remember the sleeping bag beating against a tree? The frozen face smash? The head punched off? The harpoon gun into the fuckin face?

Yeah, you get nothing like that here. Here is my review on the "kills" that most websites are raving about saying OMG THE KILLS ARE AWESOMESSS!!!

It is Jason Voorhees that is killing off these kids one by one. But, it's almost like hes bored and doesn't wanna be bothered with doing this. MINOR MINOR SPOILER... I mean, we see a wood chipper, we see a random hick using a wood chipper, he has his small scene, then later we randomly go back to him, and hes alone, so we KNOW he's a dead man. And we all remember seeing that wood chipper. So you know that mother fucker is about to get thrown into that thing. Oh shit there's Jason! He's got the hick! Jason has his machete! Jason.... cuts the guys throat? Really? Alright maybe hell kick the guy into the woodchipper! Yeah!! No... hick falls on the ground. Jason just cut a guys throat and that was that.

Then we get guy going alone in the dark to a tool shed. TOOL SHED! OH HELL YES!! OH SHIT THERE'S A CIRCULAR SAW IN THERE! SHOVELS! PICKS! EVERY KIND OF KILLING DEVICE IMAGINABLE!!!! THIS SHALL RULE! THIS GUY IS TOAST!!!! OH MAN THERE'S JASON!!! Wait wtf... a screw driver? A screw driver into the side of the guys neck? And Jason is struggling with a 4 foot tall 100 pound chinese dude? Whatever I guess.

There are no awesome kills except for one which happens with a dock. I'll leave it at that. The rest are bland and boring and we have all seen them before.

As for the naked chicks, every chick except for two are naked in this movie. One has giant fake boobs which suck, one has AWESOME boobs which are real and, AWESOME. "Perfect nipple placement".

In the end, it's a fun movie, Jason is back. Let's just hope the next time we see him, he isn't so hungover or bored and we get some proper Jason kills.


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