Monday, May 21, 2007

Transformers Will Suck

Transformers is going to suck. There, I said it. I guess I should preface this by saying I certainly hope Transformers doesn't suck, but I have a feeling in my gut that it will. I am by no means a Transformers purest, or even a big mark for the robots in disguise. I'm just a realist. The entire internet is so excited about Transformers: The Movie that I expect there to be some backlash to this little piece. Still I stand by my prediction. It's going to suck.

One of the reasons that Transformers is going to be sub-par is the fact that the franchise itself really isn't that special. I grew up with the original Transformers. I had the toys back when they were made of metal. I suspect this movie will be a lot like the toys. Big, neat looking and not really worth crap. Most if not all the Transformers toys sucked because they couldn't move in one form. Usually the robot form, but sometimes it was their car/truck/whatever form. You ended up with one form that looked good and one form that was serviceable as a toy. Most kids didn't want a toy truck though. They wanted a bad ass robot. Either way the toys rarely worked out to be cool and even today they continue to make figures that really aren't very playable.

That's not to say some figures weren't cool. Soundwave and the subsequent cassette tape robots were awesome. A couple others were neat, most notably Megatron. But I digress...

The original cartoon wasn't that great. GI Joe > Transformers. Still the show had it's charm and it worked in that 80's cartoon kinda way. The original cartoon movie even had some pretty awesome perks. That said, there isn't much about the old cartoon that could translate into a movie. I had high hopes for Grimlock, but this movie won't have Grimlock. That's pretty much guaranteed suckage.

Hollywood in it's infinite wisdom always has to "Hollywood" up franchises. Batman can't wear tights, he has to wear latex body armor. The X-Men can't wear their regular suits, they have to wear lame black leather costumes. Everything has to be young, hip and edgy. It works on some franchises and it kills others. I can't say if it will work on Transformers or not, but they are making tons of changes to it. In order to sell it to a movie audience. IE: Probably screw everything up.

Take for example Godzilla in 1998. When this movie was announced, everyone got excited. Godzilla has a huge fanbase worldwide and the thought of Hollywood getting their hands on him, letting him tear up NYC with all the glam and special effects wizardry they could muster had most people salivating. Dean Devlin and Roland Emmerich were the Michael Bays of their time. Fresh off the success of Independence Day and the creating of a star in Will Smith, they were handed the Godzilla franchise on a silver platter and nearly an unlimited budget. What happened was one of the biggest movie failures of all time. The movie itself wasn't so putrid, as the fact that they took everything that was great about Godzilla and stripped it away. They Hollywoodized Godzilla to the point where he was NOTHING like what the people came to see. They wanted to see big, bad ass Godzilla crush NYC and breath fire all over the place. Instead they got a scared lizard who eats fish and has raptor babies. Godzilla made $500 MILLION worldwide, but it was considered such a bad movie that it didn't get sequels.

Lost in Space is another example. While this didn't have legions of built-in fans, it did have a pretty simple premise to build upon. So what did they do? They re-invented the entire thing. Robot was this big huge CGI mess, Dr. Smith was an evil alien thing and the movie made some money, but planned sequels were nixed because of such negative reviews. They destroyed it. Transformers looks to be going the same route. It's got the name, it's got some big robots, but is it really going to be anything remotely like Transformers?

My big concern with this movie comes from the most recent commercials I have seen. The previews show the 3 things that generally lead to a crappy movie: Random explosions, quick cuts of CGI and Tyrese. It looked like Independence Day only with worse actors. Tryese is no Will Smith. The other big problem is Michael Bay. Everything his name is attached to turns out to be standard action fare. His latest movies, The Island and The Amityville Horror were considered terrible. I can't say for sure that all these movies sucked, but a lot of them were critically panned. Especially his big "blockbuster" movies. He had some hits in there with stuff like Armageddon, but again it's just another typical blow a bunch of stuff up movie.

The previews to me look like Starship Troopers with robots. I know I'm not the only one upset that all the Decepticons look like Ivan Ooze's evil zords from the first Power Ranger's movie. I can't be the only one upset or puzzled as to why the Decepticons all look like big silver bugs. Beyond that though, is the fact that the commercials really hammer home the military. There is just too much human story in this. This SHOULD be a movie about big robots. I honestly can't remember a single human character from the original Transformers cartoon. Go-Bots had plenty of human characters, but it was Go-Bots. Maybe there were a bunch of humans, but they certainly didn't leave an impression on me because I have all but forgotten them. Some of the newer Transformers shows have TONS of human characters, but I've never been able to stomach any of the new Transformers shows.

That's another thing that will likely kill this movie. There have been like 50 Transformers shows. The original, then BeastWars (Which also made no sense, because they were ANIMALS turning into robots, but it was mildly entertaining) and then a bunch of other versions of Transformers that are generally standard anime fare. Each story is largely the same with an Optimus and a Megatron, but there in lay the problem. Fans of certain shows are going to be pissed off. OMG Amarda isn't in this! At least BumbleBee is... I think.

Overall it's just a handful of previews that make this movie look so bad. Maybe it won't be bad. Right now though this movie looks to me a lot like a crapfest. Tyrese is the only star attached to this and I think he was in one of those shitty car race movies. Which means he can't act. If this turns out to be some big epic craptacular with a bunch of stupid human subplots and military fighting the Decepticons with a couple of trucks helping out, don't say I didn't warn you.


  1. Well for one thing, and by no means am I really defending Michael Bay, as I am mostly defening Transformers. Michael Bay didn't direct the Amytiville remake.

    I feel the same, I hope to god this movie kicks ass but I fear the worst but there are some major points you missed....

    1. In the recent trailer we see Optimus Prime transforming and we faintly hear the old school cartoon noise made when they transform, which is all I needed to get me geeked up. Along with the fact that some of the original voices from the cartoon are doing this movie, such as Peter Cullen. Atleast theyre keeping it real to the cartoon, and not doing a complete fuck over of all things we hold dear.

    2. Michael Bay is not the only one behind this movie. Bay exec produced this movie but he directed this movie in the same way Tobe Hooper directed Poltergeist. For those uninformed on that movie. Steven Spielberg Exec Produced both movies under a very watchful eye. Nothing went forward without Spielbergs OK. So this is also a Speilberg movie.

    3. This movie is basically rated R. Sure all previews show it as PG-13. But the story behind that is pretty simple. The MPAA gave Transformers an R rating. But Spielberg being Spielberg basically went to the MPAA and said, "No its going to be PG-13." And they made it PG-13 without having to make any edits or cuts. If anyone else was Exec Producing, cuts would have been made and it would have gotten watered down.

    4. Yes Michael Bay has handed us piles of shit recently, Armgeddon, Pearl Harbor, The Island. But he also gave us The Rock and Bad Boys. Which were both pretty damn awesome.

    5. And so Tyrese is in this. But so is John Turturro, and remember. Nobody fucks with the Jesus.

    So I have faith in this movie, being a hardcore Transformers fan as a kid, I hope for the best, fear for the worst. But deep down I think all will be well. Things could have been ALOT worse. Brett Ratner could have been directing.

    With Peter Cullen still doing Optimus Primes voice. The Transforming sound from the old school cartoons. Characters from the old schoolc artoons. I think there will be many more surprises in store for us when its time to see this bad boy. I have faith that Bay can redeem himself for his sins of recent bullshit. But I still fear the worse.

  2. So I kinda skimmed your post but jsut read it all. I just read the last paragraph where you say, Tyrese is the only star attatched. Uh well we got...

    Shia LaBeof who is a great actor and is currently kicking ass in the box office with the surprise hit Disturbia. He was also in Constantine, in which he was great in.

    Jon Voight. Another great actor. Deliverance, Midnight Cowboy, Varsity Blues, Heat...

    Of course John Turturro of Big Lebowski fame. As well as a string of awesome flicks.

    Anthony Anderson who is a fuckin phenomenal actor who showed so in Season 4 of The Shield.

    And HUGE FUCKIN WEAVING. Agent Smith from The Matrix. V from V For Vendetta.

    Basically, you have a cast of great actors lined up in this movie. I forgot that Tyrese was even in this movie until you mentioned him. But to say he is the only star over people like Hugo Weaving, John Turturro, and Jon Voight?

  3. Ya know after reading through it again and with your Tyrese is the only star of the movie comment, it looks like you didn't even do any kind of reading up or research on this movie. A true fan, such as myself, did everything they could to read up and find out exactly what the hell is going on with this movie before I started to cry about it.

    Do some research next time. Don't try to bitch and hate something just to hate it. It's like all the people I know going OH GAWD ANOTHER RAMBO MOVIE ITS FUCKING GAY! Then I show them the trailer for it and they look at me all sad because they realized they're fucking morons and say "Ok Im wrong, it looks cool."