Saturday, May 24, 2008

Indiana Jones And The Kingdom Of The Crystal Skull: Review

Let's just say, I am deeply, deeply, depressed. Like any human in the world, I am a big fan of Indiana Jones. I grew up watching the movies, love the damn ride at Disneyland, went and bought a whip and couldn't figure out how the hell he could get it to stick around beams and crap and swing from it. Love, Love, LOVE the Indiana Jones movies. So when news of the 4th movie broke, I was pretty damn pumped, as was my nephew who also is a huge Indy fan.

Indiana Jones And The Kingdom Of The Crystal Skull RUINS the series. It barely feels like a real Indiana Jones movie. And at points, Harrison Ford doesn't even seem like he's playing Indiana Jones. And it is really sad, because the movie is there somewhere. Somewhere in this movie is an Indiana Jones movie wanting to burst out, but it doesn't. And for some reason, I think three letters have something to do about it. C G I.

I am so fucking sick of CGI in movies. I understand that SOME shots require CGI, but now it's to the point that EVERYTHING has to be god damn CGI. And it has gotten to the point that there is so much CGI going on, it makes the entire experience of watching movies unbelievable to the point of losing the heart of the movie. My main gripe with Crystal Skull is the action scenes. There is no amazing action scenes, because every single last action scene is a green screen CGI heavy bullshit fest. I rolled my eyes, groaned, and even once said "give me a fuckin break" at all the action in the movie. It is damn near the rediculousness of the Charlies Angels movies. Fuck at one point if Shai Labeouf called out god damn Bumblebee to help him and Indy out, it would not have phased me, it would have seemed like it belonged in the movie. I am really tired of over the top action, and it KILLED Crystal Skull for me.

Another thing that killed it, WHERE THE HELL IS EVERYONE?!?! There are logical explainations for the reason why Indys dad and Marcus are not in this movie. But no reason for Shortround or Salah to appear, ESPECIALLY in the end scene because it would have made perfect god damn sense. And it would have made it much better. But nope, all we get it Marion from Raiders Of The Lost Ark and another cameo from Raiders that pops up at the beginning which I thought was awesome.

Lastly, the storyline, it was a little much. The end finale, or as I called it, using every last source of CGI they had left over to make it, was much. Way too much. They managed to take the mystery and supernatural elements of Indiana Jones and turn them all into a fuckin joke. This movie was a mistake, and it's depressing. Crystal Skull has ruined the series.

This movie was directed by Steven Spielberg, and at no point, did I feel like I was watching a Spielberg movie. At all. On top of taking my die hard Indy fan nephew, I also took my other nephew. Both 13 year old kids, seeing a summer blockbuster, seeing a Spielberg summer blockbuster, seeing a new INDIANA JONES movie. Both kids, hated it.


  1. Wow, could you be any more of a douche bag!?!? That movie kicked ass and I'm a die hard Indy fan and this addition by no means made me wanna poke my own eyes out with a fork the way you implied it would. Obviously the numbers show I'm kinda with the majority here. So if you hated it so much don't waste peoples time with your shit-tastic titty baby reviews that don't really prove anything more than you're a nerd who probably lives in his moms basement and SERIOUSLY needs to get laid!! Have a great day :-)

  2. How am I wasting someones time with this review? YOU came here and read it. No one forced you. Ya giant bag of cunt blood. See, I can sling witty and unheard of insults too. Now go and and try to prove your point to the majority that Shia Labeouf swinging in the trees with the monkeys was cinematic gold and well see what your, majority, has to say. As for me, I don't really give a flying crap what you think, obviously you take watching shitty movies WAY too seriously, and for that, I LOL @ YOU