Sunday, January 13, 2008

Movie Review: In the Name of the King

So... Uwe Boll has done it yet again! He's adapted another video game (Dungeon Siege on PC) in to a shitastic movie, and oh man, is it ever shitastic! Why did I go see a Uwe Boll movie to begin, might you ask? Well, my best friend had 12 bucks left on an AMC giftcard, and it was either this or sit at home bored. Not to mention, the trailer for this movie actually makes it look halfway decent, and similar to the LOTR movies, which I loved.

So we went, and gave it a shot, and within the first 5 minutes of the movie I was already cracking up at how utterly stupid and devoid of any reason it actually was. An ensemble cast of B to D list actors, led by action man Jason Statham, give the movie the sense that it's actually a Hollywood produced film, but the dialog and horrific screen writing quickly remind you that you are watching a movie that never should have gone anywhere past insta-DVD status.

There's some seriously fucked up dialog in this movie, case in point the following conversation:

Actor 1: So-and-so has taken two thirds of the army. Actor 2: Who has he taken? Actor 1: The 12th and 11th fleet. (So out of 12 fleets, the 12th and 11th equal 2/3??) Actor 2: And that leaves how much? Actor 1: One third of the army, sir.

COME ON!! The movie is also completely fucking random, and never once gives any kind of backstory, or reasoning for what's taking place. There's random ninjas, random tree people, and random ass bad guys, who are called the Kurg, and say nothing but "kurg, kurg, kurrrrg".

Oh, and did I mention motherfucking BURT REYNOLDS plays the King!? WHAT?! Burt Reynolds and his 8 pounds of unstoppable botox are easily one of the best parts of this whole movie, and that really isn't saying much at all. Matthew Lillard is fucking terrible, like... I wanted to kill myself when he was on screen. LeeLee Sobieski isn't half bad, and she's pretty hot. Kristanna Loken is fucking seriously hot, and didn't get enough time on screen. Claire Forlani sucks balls, as do Ron Pearlman, that old dude from Sliders, and especially Ray Liotta.

Jason Statham kicks crazy ass, with all kinds of random kung-fu and a fucking boomerang, but even that doesn't save this horseshit pile of a script.

Someone needs to assassinate Uwe Boll, and quit letting him adapt fucking lousy ass video games that only super nerds have heard of. Why would serious actors even agree to be in his films? They can't be getting that paid THAT much, because every one of his pieces FLOPS at the box office. It boggles my mind.

I don't seriously recommend this movie, but in all honesty, I think you SHOULD go see it, if for nothing more than the laughs you're gonna have at all the shitty acting and fighting. It's almost worth it... almost.

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